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The Last Letter from W.E.B. DuBois
FINAL DRAFT
My Dearest Yolande,
You have always spoken well of my letters, and I hope they might serve to uplift your spirits. I know your health has been poor. I have been having a wonderful time in Ghana and the peoples have been incredibly kind and caring for a man of my age. I had a slight cough due to the humidity and I have received the best care that Africa can provide. Daily my heart is moved to awaken in a nation that is a wonderful cornucopia of brown hues. Shirley has advised that I rest more, but stillness reminds me of death, and I promised you before that I would not wait for its approach.
President Kwame Nkrumah has done us well, providing a young Ghanaian girl to help me with daily activities. Shirley often relieves her to care for me. The food here is wonderful, with spices and tastes that are delightful to my palate. Much better than the food in the hospitals, which often seek to measure and poke a man of my age until some ailment falls out. Shirley and President Nkrumah insist that I have regular checkups.
I am sure word has gotten to you about my patriotism and my intent on joining the Communist party. The possibility has been salient in my mind since my travels to Russia and the wonders I see here abroad. I have been met with great applause and, despite my ailments, many have sought to engage me in debate. Shirley and I met with President Khrushchev for dinner a month ago and he was greatly interested in my thoughts on how a communist movement could benefit the world, and not just the Negro peoples. I recalled my conversation with him years earlier and how he met me with great celebration in Red Square.
The media of my old nation and their "Red Scare" greatly underestimate the human passion that these people have for their cause and their love for their nation. I am always shocked at how trivialized issues are when reduced to article form. One would think that Communists are booted soldiers ready to steal the children of America away in the night. I hold firm my idea that national fear mongering has always been an American policy, in so much as it is a nation built on selfishness, greed, and pious savagery, and forced to perpetuate these ideals as legacy. Capitalism cannot reform itself; it is doomed to self-destruction. No universal selfishness can bring social good to all.
It is my firm belief that the American Negro problem has always been one of economical disenfranchisement. Communism -- the effort to give all men what they need and to ask of each the best they can contribute -- may not be the most perfect system, but it does offer the Negro a level playing field in which to bridge the gaps that our horrible legacy has put into place. Economic independence is the only way the Negro voice will truly be heard in America and the basic notions of capitalism hinder any progress when coupled with the ignorance of racial bias. I can see no progress for the Negro in the current system that continues to prosper from the suffering of a nation of colored people.
In my thoughts, as always, is the Negro Problem, and how the progress of that young man from Alabama has caused even the peoples of Europe to notice our plight. It is thanks in no part to our country's use of the Red Scare as a weapon in their arsenal against our people. It has brought to the world's attention that man who has set himself at the forefront of the cause of our people. I predict that his ability to inspire and engage will further our agenda, and evolve the planet into a more tolerant and diverse place. A national dialogue about racial inequality can only serve to elevate the international community.
I hope that you are well when you receive this, and that your health improves. Let Dubois read this, and kiss her and the boy. Tell them that the spell of Africa is all that she imagines and more. Greet Arthur the husband, and to you all my love.
Goodbye, and Love again!
W.E.B.D.
First draft, presented with editorial commentary spliced in.
My Dearest Yolande,
I know that it is has not been easy for you lately [COMMA] and that your health has been poor [I TAKE IT HIS SPEECH PATTERNS WERE REALLY THIS STILTED, CORRECT?]. I am writing this to tell you [HE REALLY USES TOO MANY WORDS TO GET HIS POINT ACROSS] of the rumblings in my mind about our national problems and my pending decisions regarding the plight of our people. I have been having a wonderful time in Ghana and the peoples have been incredibly kind and caring for a man of my age. I had a slight cough due to the humidity hear [SPELLING: HERE] and I have received the best care that Africa can provide. I am always warmed to be attended to [WHAT? "I'M ALWAYS WARMED TO BE ATTENDED TO" ... WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?] and in a nation that is a wonderful cornucopia of Brown [DOES HE MEAN ... SORRY, DO YOU MEAN THAT ... CRAP, LEMME TRY THAT AGAIN. DOES THIS MEAN (finally) THAT HE PERCEIVES THE COUNTRY AS A CORNICOPIA OF BROWN SHADES OF SKIN? THAT COULD BE A BIT MORE CLEAR]. Shirley has advised that I rest more, but stillness reminds me of death, and I promised you before that I would not wait for its approach. [THIS IS MY FAVORITE SENTENCE SO FAR]
I am sure word has gotten to you about my patriotism and my intent on joining the Communist party. It is a possibility that has been salient in my mind since my travels to Russia and the wonders I see here abroad. I have surely been met with great applause [COMMA] and despite my ailments [COMMA] many have come to engage me in conversation. Shirley and I met with President Khrushchev following for dinner [FOLLOWING FOR DINNER? IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN HERE? IT SOUNDS WRONG ...] a month ago and he was greatly interested in my thoughts on how a communist movement could benefit the world, and not just the Negro peoples. I recalled my conversation with him years earlier and how he met me with great celebration in Red Square. [PARAGRAPH BREAK] The media of my old nation and their "Red Scare" greatly underestimate the human passion that these people have for their cause and their love for their nation. I am always shocked at how trivialized issues are when reduced to article form. [I LIKE THIS SENTENCE] One would think that Communists are jack booted soldiers [CLICHE] ready to steal the children of America away in the night [NICE IMAGE]. I hold firm my idea that national fear mongering has always been an American policy, in so much as it is a nation built on selfishness [COMMA] greed and pious savagery, and forced to perpetuate these ideals as legacy. Capitalism cannot reform itself; it is doomed to self-destruction. No universal selfishness can bring social good to all.
In my thoughts [COMMA OR DOUBLE DASH] as always [COMMA OR DOUBLE DASH] is the Negro Problem, and how the progress of that young man from Alabama has caused even the peoples of Europe to notice our plight [NICE AND SUBTLE WITH THE KING REFERENCE]. It is thanks in no part to our country's use of the Red Scare as a weapon in their arsenal against our people. It has brought to the world's attention that man who has set himself at the forefront of the cause of our people. I predict that his ability to inspire and engage the world will further our cause, and evolve the planet into a more tolerant and diverse place [SHADES OF OBAMA? CUTE].
I hope that you are well when you receive this, and that your health improves. Let Dubois read this, and kiss her and the boy. Tell them that the spell of Africa is all that she imagines and more [SOLID, NICE SENTENCE]. Greet Arthur the husband [ON THIRD READ, THIS PHRASE WORKS, BUT IT SOUNDS CLUMSY ON FIRST READ] and to you all my love.
Goodbye, and Love again!
W.E.B.D.
COMMENTARY FROM EDITOR HANNIBAL TABU
My first thought is that you might be a bit too respectful of the source material. If DuBois is, in fact, as stilted and overwrought in his syntax as you've presented here, that's useful if you're including something like this in a larger piece -- a half-heard fragment in a larger story, or a detail in a screenplay -- but in a standalone (which is the intention here) it feels clunky, which is probably not the idea you want put forth about DuBois.
My suggestion would be to hold the ideas you wanna communicate firmly in your head and write it out in your own voice. Then go back over it and "tweak" it to fit your concept of DuBois' character.
There are some formatting issues, which I believe could help you be more clear, that I've added some of that in here. The two concepts I want to put into your mind are "word economy" (honing your words down into the smallest, most concentrated form possible to make them as intense and focused as a laser) and presentation (putting forth the text in ways that are most effective).
I think reading your work aloud will help with each of those concepts, but do *not* read it aloud for [your wife] or your friends. Use a tape recorder or something (my phone records stuff) and listen to the sound of your own voice while you're not talking. Those closest to you, regardless of your or their ideas, are far more forgiving than you need them to be.
Also, for your intro, I think condensing it down to no more than two sentences will make it better for publication.
Looking forward to your next take on this.
-H
What the heck is this assignment again?
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