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FINAL DRAFT
David turned 29 on July 19, 2007 in America, where we talk of freedoms as though they are god given rights and not the rules men set when forming nations. Two years prior, he'd hitched a ride from a friend on a hot day, when riding in a car looked much better than standing on the side of the street. They didn't make it three blocks before the cops pulled them over and arrested them both for driving in a stolen car. Rather than going to court and risk losing his freedom David copped a plea and took one year in and four years probation.
James didn't think anyone was listening to him until he raised the .45 caliber colt M1911A1 pistol in the air in the bodega. This let the lady behind the counter with the lottery tickets and the cigarettes know he was serious when he shouted for cash. He was caught at his grandma's house, when the task force kicked in her door and chased him into the basement. He was only wearing briefs when they cuffed him, and his grandmother still hasn't forgiven him for what they did to her flower garden. James was 15 at the time of his arrest. Due to the seriousness of the offense and a prior history of violent juvenile crime he was tried as an adult. He got 10 years for armed robbery.
What do James and David have in common? Well, they are both now involved in the criminal justice system, and according to the statistics released in 2005, because they got more than one year in their sentences there is a 40% chance they are Black.
We hear that statistic all the time, how more Black people are in jail than in college. It is both true to some degree and untrue in others. Many African American males have had contact with the criminal justice system -- one in three, actually, or 10% of the African American Male population aged 18-29.
Compare that with 1.5% of white men in prison in 2005 and you see why there is an issue. Compare it to the 7.5% of African American men achieving college undergraduate degrees and you see how it is even more of an issue. It is deplorable that in a society where Blacks represent 14% of the American population but make up nearly half of the criminal justice population.
I'll stop with the numbers, but keep it with you because I want that to be the context you use to view my next few statements. 10% of the African American population was in prison in 2005. Every one of these individuals is henceforth are now registered felons, that means not only are they supervised by the state, but they also have no right to vote in any state in America.
This is what disenfranchisement really means. You can't vote.
It used to be that Black men in America couldn't vote because of the color of their skin. It would seem things aren't all that different today. Now, there is a disproportionate chunk that cannot vote due to their history in the criminal justice system. In the state of Florida, Kentucky and Virginia it means that they will never have the right to vote. To further emphasize the point, Florida has one of the highest incarceration rates in the country with some 89,768 inmates in 2005. Stack that 90 thou on top of itself pretty much forever and you may have an idea of the number of people who will never vote in the state of Florida.
What does this mean? As of this writing in July 2008 we are on the verge of voting for the first viable African American presidential candidate and 10% of the African American men couldn't vote for the guy even if they wanted to. To give you more perspective, only 62% of the African American population is registered to vote, and of that number only 42% actually say they vote when its time according to the 2002 census. What the numbers don't tell us is how many of those registered voters are or became felons and how that affects the numbers from there.
I am not really angry about these facts, because I have grown weary of trying to figure out all the race problems in this country. Those scientists who cracked the genome figured out that race doesn't exist the way we think it does. There is no biological basis for it in science. Sure there is a confluence of phenotype traits that we believe are indicative of ethnic groups. In reality, there is more genetic diversity within populations than without, so that throws a monkey wrench in the whole "genetic difference" theory. There is such a thing as "cultural difference," which is staunchly social in nature. Social constructs are the big agreement that every human being on the planet came to about us being made different and built different, and color lines that we consider tangible. We aren't born different so much as we become different with training and instruction. We pass these ideas on to our children and wash rinse repeat, the cycle continues. They grow up with these ideas and constructs in their minds and an external society to tell them what these differences are, and what they mean. There is a pervasive idea in our culture that if you are an African American male you should prepare yourself for jail before you consider academic endeavors.
Isn't that the thing about ideas? They can be changed right? Little David and James could easily have grown thinking of themselves as scholars. While The Cosby Show was in its heyday and A Different World was on the air African American undergraduate college enrollment rose by 38% between 1986 to 1992. This was considered a result of the positive images represented on those shows. Bill Cosby had a Ed. in Education and he believed in something called a "plausibility structures," which social theorists believe are the social context in which we believe certain ideas are so basic that they are not questioned. He believed that his shows could highlight the African American middle class that was growing in American society and use his platform to highlight the way for a nation of people who might need to be exposed to positive African American models. Unfortunately the current paradigm takes for granted that there is a certain disproportionate element of the African American population that is destined to be criminal, and thus unable to rock the vote.
Why is there no groundswell of support? Why do we allow 10% of our population to languish in the penal system? Situations like this have no easy answers and many questions. I find it fascinating that at a time when so many people are encouraging others to vote, we have this literally shackled mass of people who can do nothing to help any political cause what so ever.
References
Harrison, P. M. & Beck, A. J. (2005) Prisoners in 2005, Bureau of Justice Statistics Bulletin
Cheeseman Day J. & Holder, K, (2002) Voting and Registration in the Election of November 2002
Race, Ethnicity and healthcare Fact Sheet. The Kaiser Foundation (2006)
Dobbs. Michael, (2007) Young Black Males Headed for Extinction? The Fact Checker Blog, Washington Post.
Willie, Sarah Susannah (2003) Acting Black: College, Identity, and the Performance of Race Routledge.
FIRST DRAFT WITH NOTES FROM EDITOR HANNIBAL TABU
So [KILL THE WORD "SO" IN MOST OF YOUR WRITING -- RUMOND SAID HE USES IT AS A CRUTCH, AND I THINK THE REST OF US DO TOO. IT'S A WORD WASTING TIME] I was all prepared to do this big sprawling piece on disenfranchisement of the black man in America, and how we have gotten so far off our rudder since the civil rights movement and all that. I have literally sat down [CLUMSY VERY TENSE, TRY SOMETHING LIKE "I FOUND MYSELF AT THIS COMPUTER ..."] at this computer 5 [ALWAYS ASSUME ASSOCIATED PRESS STYLE -- NUMBERS UNDER 10 ARE SPELLED OUT, NUMBERS LARGER THAN THAT ARE ALWAYS NUMBERS UNLESS YOU'RE USING IT FOR EFFECT] times and tried to get that rant under 1200 [USE COMMAS -- "1,200"] words and failed every time. There are 4 [FOUR] drafts in my computer in various forms where I try to make outlines and set limits on how I want to say what I want to say.
And every time it would get away from me or life would intervene or my own crushing sense of self defeat would step in and stop me before anyone saw what I was doing. [DON'T START A SENTENCE WITH "AND"]
And then [ARGH -- AGAIN, KILL THE STARTING SENTENCES WITH "AND" OR "SO"] I stepped back, and actually took the time to look up what disenfranchisement actually means.
And then the light came on. [YOU'RE KILLING ME. OTOH, AFTER THIS SENTENCE IS WHERE THE PIECE REALLY STARTS]
David turns 29 today, in America, where we talk of freedoms as though they are god given rights and not the rules men set when forming nations [IF YOU'RE WRITING FOR A DAILY AUDIENCE, "TODAY" WOULD WORK, OTHERWISE BE SPECIFIC AND GIVE THE DATE]. He was once in a car with a friend who had picked him up at a bus stop on a hot day when riding in a car looked much better than standing on the side of the street [THERE ARE AT LEAST SEVEN SUBORDINATE CLAUSES IN THAT SENTENCE. YOU CAN DO BETTER]. He and his friend [GO SUCCINCT, SINCE YOU'RE STILL DISCUSSING THE SAME TWO PEOPLE -- "THEY"] did not [CONTRACTIONS WORK IN THIS STYLE OF WRITING, SO CHOOSE "DIDN'T"] make it three blocks before the cops pulled them over and arrested them both for driving in a stolen car. Rather than going to court and risk losing his freedom David copped a plea and took one year in and 3 years probation. [GOOD VIGNETTE, DECRIPTIVE YET SUCCINCT]
James didn't think anyone was listening to him till ["TILL" MEANS "TO PLOW," YOU WANT "UNTIL" HERE] he put the 45 [IF YOU MEAN A .45 CALIBER COLT M1911A1 PISTOL, YOU SHOULD SAY SO. MAKE A MORE CLEAR IMAGE. OH, AND CALIBER IS ALWAYS WRITTEN WITH A DECIMAL POINT BEFORE THE NUMBER] to the window of the bodega and let the lady know he was serious when he shouted for cash [HE WAS OUTSIDE OF THE BODEGA? THE BODEGA HAD BULLET PROOF GLASS? WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? DRAW THE IMAGE MORE CLEARLY]. He got caught at his grandma's house, when the task force kicked in her door and chased him to [INTO] the basement. He was only wearing briefs when they cuffed him [ADD COMMA] and his grandmother still hasn't forgiven him for what they did to her flower garden [THAT'S A GREAT TOUCH]. James got 10 years for armed robbery.
What do James and David have in common? Well, they are both now involved in the criminal Justice [LOWERCASE] system, and according to the statistics released in 2005, because they got more than one year in their sentences there is a 40% chance they are black.
We hear that statistic all the time, how more blacks are in jail than in college. It is both true to some degree and untrue in others. More African American Males [LOWERCASE] have had contact with the criminal justice system, one in three, actually, or 10% of the Age 18-29 African American Male population. [PARAGRAPH BREAK]
Compare that with 1.5% of white men in prison in 2005 and you see why there is an issue. Compare it to the 7.5% [ADD ITALICS] of African American men achieving college graduate degrees and you see how it is even more [ADD ITALICS] of an issue. Black men only [REMOVE "ONLY"] represent [REMOVE EXTRA SPACE] 14% of the American population, so how in God's name can they be nearly half [ADD "OF THE"] criminal justice population? [WELL, THE RACIST ARGUMENT IS "BECAUSE THEY'RE UNCONTROLLED ANIMALS" AND THE SOCIOLOGICAL ARGUMENT IS "BECAUSE THEY'RE A PRODUCT OF WHITE WORLD SUPREMACY AND THE LEGACY OF SLAVERY," AND BOTH ARE POINTS YOU HAVE TO BE READY TO SWAT DOWN]
Okay, I'll stop with the numbers.[CUT "OKAY," MAKE THE PERIOD A COMMA, AND JOIN THESE SENTENCES TOGETHER] But keep it with you because I want that to be the context you use to view my next few statement[S]. 10% of the African American Population [LOWERCASE] is [WAS] in prison in 2005. They are now registered felons [TRY "EVERY ONE IS HENCEFORTH A REGISTERED FELON" ... MAYBE HENCEFORTH IS A LITTLE HEAVY, BUT THAT DIRECTION]. [KILL PERIOD, AND JOIN THE SENTENCES, OR MAKE "WHICH" HERE "THAT" AS IT'S A BETTER SUBJECT FOR THE SENTENCE]Which means not only are they supervised by the state [ADD COMMA] but they also have no right to vote.
This [ADD ITALICS] is what disenfranchisement really means. You can't vote. [I BELIEVE YOU WANNA ITALICIZE THE WHOLE SENTENCE ON THAT ONE FOR EFFECT, AND HIT A PARAGRAPH BREAK AFTER THAT]
It used to be that African American men couldn't vote just because of the color of their skin[ADD PERIOD, BUILD NEXT SENTENCE BIGGER, SOMETHING LIKE "THINGS AREN'T THAT DIFFERENT" OR SOMETHING], now there is a nice little disproportionate chunk [YOU MINIMIZE THE NUMBER AND THE IMPORTANCE WITH "NICE LITTLE"] that cannot vote due to their involvement [HISTORY?] in the criminal justice system. In the state of Florida, Kentucky and Virginia it means that they can never [ADD ITALICS] vote, at least until someone changes the laws about that [THE "AT LAST" PART OF THE SENTENCE SAPS THE STRENGTH OF THE REST]. To give you more numbers [THIS PHRASE ISN'T EFFECTIVE, DO YOU MEAN "TO EMPHASIZE THE POINT" OR SOMETHING?], Florida has one of the highest incarceration rates with some 89,768 inmates in 2005. Stack that 90 thou [NICE] on top of itself for a few years [MINIMIZED -- DO YOU MEAN SOMETHING LIKE "FOREVER" INSTEAD OF "FOR A FEW YEARS?"] and you [MIGHT? MAY?] have an idea of the number of people who will never vote in the state of Florida. [THE CLOSE OF THE SENTENCE IS DOING IT]
What does this mean[SENTENCE BREAK, QUESTION MARK, CAPITALIZE NEXT WORD]? Well, as of today, July 8th 2008 [AGAIN, ONLY FOR DAILY WRITING, GO FOR "AS OF THIS WRITING IN JULY 2008"] we are on the verge of voting for the first viable African American Candidate [LOWERCASE] and 10% of the African American men can't vote for the guy even if they wanted to. Just [JUST CUTS YOU OFF AT THE KNEES, WHACK IT] to give you more perspective, only 62% of the African American population is registered to vote, and only 42% [42% OF THE ORIGINAL 100% OR 42% OF THE 62%?] actually say they vote when its time [PARENTHESES FOR "ACCORDING TO ..."]according to the 2002 census. What the numbers don't [ADD ITALICS] tell us is how many of those registered voters are or became felons and how that affects the numbers from there.
I am not really angry about these facts, because I have grown weary of trying to figure out all the race problems in this country. [I LIKE THIS PREVIOUS SENTENCE] Those scientists who cracked the genome figured out that race doesn't exist the way we think it does. There is no biological basis for it in science. Sure there is a confluence of phenotypical traits that we believe are indicative of ethnic groups. [ADD PERIOD, CUT TO "IN" WITH CAPITALIZE] but in reality there is more genetic diversity within populations than without, so that throws a monkey wrench in the whole genetic difference theory. There is such thing as "cultural difference," [ADDED QUOTATION MARKS] which is staunchly social in nature which is how we got to the whole international agreement that we are made different and built different [WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IS THERE A LINK/REFERENCE FOR THIS?]. In reality we aren't born different so much as we learn we are different [MAYBE SWAP "WE LEARN WE ARE DIFFERENT" FOR "WE BECOME DIFFERENT"] and grow up with ideas and constructs in our minds [THIS SENTENCE STARTS TO RUN ON AT THIS POINT, SO YOU MAY WANNA REMIX] and in the external society that tell us what these differences are, and what they mean. There is a pervasive idea in our culture that if you are an African American male you should prepare yourself for jail before you consider academic endeavors [ADD PERIOD, BUT WOW, THAT SENTENCE KICKS ASS]
But isn't that the thing about ideas.[SWAP PERIOD FOR QUESTION MARK, WHACK "BUT" FROM THE FRONT OF IT] They can be changed right? Little David and James can grow [DO YOU MEAN "JUST AS EASILY COULD HAVE GROWN" INSTEAD?] up thinking of themselves as scholars. I recall stats, I can't find them now [YOU'LL NEED THEM, THIS KIND OF ADMISSION IN YOUR WRITING MAKES YOU LOOK UNPREPARED, AND WEAKENS YOUR ARGUMENT], stating that African American college enrollment rose when The Cosby Show [ADDED ITALICS, CAPITALIZED "THE" IN NAME] was in its heyday.[SWAPPED COMMA FOR PERIOD, ITALICIZE "THE" NEXT AND CONSIDER ITALICS] the tide can be shifted. But [CUT "BUT"] why is there no groundswell of support. Why do we allow 10% of our population to languish in the penal system.[QUESTION MARK] Situations like this have no easy answers and many questions. I find it fascinating that at a time when so many people are encouraging others to vote [ADD COMMA] we have this literally shackled mass of people who can do nothing to help any political cause what so ever. [NICE ENERGY, BUT COULD USE A SMIDGEN MORE TAUTNESS, GOOD POINT TO END WITH]
Harrison, P. M. & Beck, A. J. (2005) Prisoners in 2005, Bureau of Justice Statistics Bulletin (PDF)
Cheeseman Day J. & Holder, K, (2002) Voting and Registration in the Election of November 2002 (PDF)
NOTES
The opening slows you down. When you got indignant near the end, it was working. Your complaining about your situation was less than effective here. The statistics are on point, your reasoning has just that one noted weakness in it, and you use stall words ("so," "but" "and") too much, which takes away your momentum. The ideas are there, but honestly, you really just need an editorial pass on whatever you write. Which isn't a bad thing -- Brian Michael Bendis admits to the same in regards to Tom Brevoort, and he makes a ton of money (the indicate he can't spell at all). Of the three submissions, this is the most like what could be published in an average newspaper, which is economically good if less valuable as literature. But all writing doesn't have to stand like Macbeth, news and current events writing is valuable and a skill as well, and you have a good grasp of how to do it. That sort of thing leads to working at places like the Huffington Post (I know a guy who did just that) and book deals in a whole other realm. Good start, looking forward to seeing it cleaner.
What the heck is this assignment again?
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