Commentary Track for April 28th Buy Pile Reviews

Every week I do a column full of comic book reviews as I've done since March 2003 and currently published at Comic Book Resources. Then, after the reviews post, I try to come over to my blog and expand on the thoughts and ideas listed there. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's gibberish, but it's always about comics ... let's see what we get this week!

What? This week's reviews ...

This week I wanna talk about Wonder Woman.

Sure, there's tons of interesting things going on with gods of Greek (Phobos, son of Ares) and Norse (Loki, master of mischief) origination, there's chuckles with Deadpool (the last two pages are still funny, later in the week, and "White Lightning" is just a freaking scream) and even, finally, a reveal on the new, weirder Cobra Commander (horrible visual design, incredible characterization in how he's been built up). Even Optimus Prime and Ultimate Frank Castle were of interest.

However, Diana of Themiscira's plight haunts me. She's part of DC Comics' trinity, relentlessly powerful (remember when she couldn't fly?) and capable of amazing feats. Unfortunately, her supporting cast is at best uni-dimensional (quick: name three character details about Steve Trevor ... thought not) and her rogues gallery wavers between laughable (Dr. Psycho, a homeless man's Hector Hammond), bland (Veronica Cale, a poor man's Lex Luthor in high heels) and (again) uni-dimensional (Genocide).

She actually suffers a lot of the same problems Marvel's T'challa does as a character: dangerously powerful, not a white male (thanks to Tom Brevoort for going on the record about that), from an isolated warrior culture that could probably be a serious threat to the established order if they were so inclined, often considered too much of an outsider by factions of their own people, historically unlucky at love (Ororo notwithstanding), a member of the royal class, dancing a delicate line between politician, ruler and hero. However, T'challa has at least style on his side: if he shows up with two hot girls, a limo, a black suit and sunglasses, he can play on the sensibilities of Blaxploitation movies or even Avery Brooks. Diana, by the very nature of her "mission" to "man's world" is mostly a solo act, and if she gets into a good looking ensemble, all people will think is "cheesecake" and "that'd be impractical in a fight."

One afternoon, with just a smattering of help from Tax Hitler (we didn't know him as such back then) I came up with a pretty good Wonder Woman arc with Comics Waiting Room columnist Vince Moore. It wasn't even that hard -- once we settled on the fact that we could be as much West Wing (we can take a smart, talky comic) as V.I.P. (I liked the girl with the shoulder holsters, shut up) we were on a role, creating a real means for Diana to experience conflict for a reason, bringing in two under-utilized DCU characters as secondary antagonist of very deep complexity, and even involving Giganta, Oracle, Donna Troy and even Wonder Girl without making any female character a victim, a moron, a pin-up or a damsel in distress. Maybe one day we'll pitch it, but even spitballing, we theorized that (our "nobody" status notwithstanding), DC would never go for it. Too ambitious, too far from fanboy sensibilities, too Aaron Sorkin for its own good.

We may pitch it anyway some day. Who knows?

That notwithstanding, I'm bothered that a writer I've met and know is freaking brilliantly talented -- Gail Simone -- can't make Diana interesting (to me). According to some figures, the title pulls down a none-too-shabby 25,000 sales per month, however that still ranked 78th and even there below Catwoman, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, tyro Joe the Barbarian, Batgirl (not even cool Babs Batgirl or "I learned to communicate with violence" Cassandra Cain Batgirl, but Stephanie Brown Spoiler blonde Batgirl) and an inch above Archie.

If Archie almost kicks your butt and you're one of DC's top three most recognized characters, it's time to figure something else out.

Maybe the new Chief Creative Officer (I swear I don't have anything against the guy, even though I was told he had the idea he was gonna shove me, laptop in my bag and all, into the waters behind SDCC a few years ago, which would have ended in gunfire) has some overwhelming plan and will one day make some changes. Maybe Gail Simone (who has literally never missed for more than a couple of pages on Secret Six ... which also ranks way above Wonder Woman in sales, by the way) has some secret reserve of ideas that'll bring the character into something that's not so lame (she pals around with teenaged talking gorilla commandos, dude).

I'm not holding my breath.

So that's what was on my mind this week. Enjoy.

Playing (Music): "A Capella" Maximus Baxter dub step remix by Kelis (courtesy of First Up

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, April 23, 2010

Every week I do a column full of comic book reviews as I've done since March 2003 and currently published at Comic Book Resources. Then, after the reviews post, I try to come over to my blog and expand on the thoughts and ideas listed there. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's gibberish, but it's always about comics ... let's see what we get this week!

What? This week's reviews ...

Heavy metal: I want all of the accumulated Marvel handbooks online and searchable, or at least all on CD-ROM and searchable. I want this yesterday. Honestly, I want it on my phone so I can settle stupid arguments in the wild, like this week when some poozer who didn't even buy anything came in to debate why Superman could be naturally well defined in muscle tone despite the fact that there's little that could give him enough resistance to resemble a workout. Let's just move on, as I don't have much to say about the Iron Manual that I didn't already say. Okay ... seriously, 330MB for the brain of a Dreadnought? Really? Those things are supposed to have pulled off bipedal locomotion, and they're almost as dumb as a Nokia 6010. Wow.

Uh oh, it's magic ... I introduced a new verb into the comics lexicon this week -- "Supergod." Definition: when a single narrator sits down and yammers, attempting to illuminate story points while revealing elements of his own character through asides and dialogue. Example: "I liked it when Lloyd kept Supergodding his story in that Phonogram issue because the meta-meta textual visuals were blowing my wig back." It can be done well or badly. Oddly enough, in Supergod, it's not done so well. Ironic, perhaps. Anyway, Gravel does a bit of that with his "war stories" as did Shuri in "Doomwar" and it worked ... well, better than it does in Supergod because the characters have had some time to settle in to the readers' consciousness in previous issues. It's also funny that Elephantmen tried this, as with chances of a movie adaptation heating up I believe a celluloid treatment would do a Wanted here, making a film that works better than its comic source material.

Speaking of magic (sort of), apparently the words "Felicia Day" and "The Guild" mean something to somebody. Or so I was told as I read this week's issue. No idea what that's all about. Probably doesn't matter.

TV good, microwaves bad: Here's the thing about the Honorable Mention section: if this stuff were even 75% cheaper, I'd buy most of it. Really. I pick up every single issue of every single comic book I review, wanting to like it. The high failure rate there is all the more tragic, but whatever. So yeah, I'd totally even watch the likes of Azreal, Transformers, Guardians of the Galaxy, G.I. Joe, R.E.B.E.L.S. and Ultimate Comics Avengers on Hulu. But the cost's too high for anything more, in my mind, and if I stopped doing my column, I'd just buy fewer comics.

Maybe its the "classic" LSH fan in me, but the embers of emotion between the relentlessly jerky Braniac 5 (which I love about this generation's depictions of him, it fits so well) and the relentlessly clueless Supergirl (seriously, she's loathsome) kind of made me go "aww" a little. I honestly felt the same way about Peter Parker and Carol Danvers, who would be the next stupendously gorgeous girl to fall into his arms (even Betty Brant was okay by 616 standards). He can't complain so much when he can honestly say he bedded MJ, Gwen Stacy, et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum. But yeah, you can weave that kind of actual emotional tension into a book and still have punching. Just handle the balance better (Spidey's punching was parenthetical, Supergirl's punching was ineffectual) and it can go home with me.

Firestar, Jade ... I'd be okay if they took dirt naps. Long, eternal dirt naps, not this Piotr Rasputin madness. If they went over the cliff while riding in Prowl, that'd be fine as well. If they ran down the Forbush Man on the way, it'd be heavenly. Just saying.

It's okay, I'm drunk too: Apparently last week, I completely hosed Secret Six #20. My bad. Here's the review I should have written ...

Secret Six #20 (DC Comics)

Catman is going off the reservation. With his baby being hung off a balcony like he was called Blanket, he's at the mercy of criminals and millionaires ... or is he? In his rage, a whole new level of Catman is shown, stepping farther away from the Oliver Queen-beaten shlub of the past into a standard where he can stand next to your Bronze Tigers and Creotes comfortably. Once again a rift splits the team along surprising lines and it's hard to believe Gail Simone can write this brilliantly while still turning in those tedious Wonder Woman scripts. This is more of the mean-spirited good times that put this series on the map.

There ya go. Sorry for the delay.

Bed now.

Watching (CBS.com): How I Met Your Mother, "The Home Wrecker"

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, April 15, 2010

Every week I do a column full of comic book reviews as I've done since March 2003 and currently published at Comic Book Resources. Then, after the reviews post, I try to come over to my blog and expand on the thoughts and ideas listed there. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's gibberish, but it's always about comics ... let's see what we get this week!

What? This week's reviews ...

It's tricky: The more I think about Siege: Loki from Gillen and McKelvie (and Fairbairn), the more I like it. The casual way Loki sat, one leg hanging down, on a bank of clouds. His theatrical flair for sweeps of his cloak or bows. His smirk in the reader's direction as he plays Goblin. Outstanding character work Branagh and company would do well to study.

Also, did he boink Hela? Well played, sir.

Mecha Move: Hellcyon is more serious than it looks and more fun than it should be. The kineticism is almost enough to carry the book on its own (loved the part with the trains). I might get called on for its literary credibility, but a) I think Jack McKinney's Robotech novels are works of genius and b) shut up.

Cibopaths, barbarians, the not-so-immortal bard and white power: I'faith, I really wanted to love Kill Shakespeare, but it was too busy patting itself on the back for its own cleverness to move the narrative onward. It was more fun reading the website than it was reading the comic book. That's a shame. My ambition is that this picks up speed quickly (just like my dawg Craig says of Lost, "I wanna see Juliet!") and never looks back. It's almost harder when I like the high concept, because wrong steps seem so much larger.

I'm actually very sorry I didn't have time to get to that Wolfskin book.

The Eisner nomination for Chew is well deserved (even though I don't regularly buy the book) and I want to say congratulations to Rob Guillory and my oft-times con archenemy/drinking buddy John Layman. I think part of my problem here is the same reason I had to drop out of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I can appreciate the craft and the skill in the presentation, but the content makes my insides go wiggly. Hard to reconcile that, for me at least. Still great, creative, original comics ... even though I could do with more about the beets.

Let me be clear: the Human Target comic is as good as the show. However, I watch the show for free on Hulu. It's not good enough for me to spend my actual money on it.

If there were more of a story, "Brightest Day" could have been a "meh." I get that the people who work at DC are so insulated (from, say, Earth) that they don't see how a book promoting "white power" (both in terms of the actual story mechanism and the preponderance of the resurrected personages) could bristle some branches. Their history with diverse characters showcases that ("Atlantean" is not really a visually differentiated race, especially in DC). I just find Aquaman skinny dipping or Hank Hall (really? Just gonna brush past that whole Extant thing?) beating people up or Martian Manhunter unironically eating chocolate cookies with icing in the middle rather tepid. I also don't wanna be "that guy," which is why I let the "white power" jokes come from the store clerk Quislet (who's Jewish) instead of from me. I have enough problems.

Flash facts: Yes, there's been some slight jealousy over the nerd bling ...

For much girthier fingers than mine, apparently ...

Hey, hey, hey ... it's not what you think. I punched Tax Hitler in the face and stole his ring! You can't prove I paid for this! No, you shut up!

Also, yes, I'm aware of his many other names (Other Isaac, Earth 2 Isaac, M.O.D.O.I. and his preferred "Isaac Olmos"), but none of them have the sheer catchiness of "Tax Hitler." Der Taxenfuhrer marches on ... (no, I won't explain this joke any more, you really had to be there).

The mouse is used with my left hand largely due to too many hours playing Street Fighter during my wasted (and possibly wastrel) yout' in high school. Also, I don't use a mouse pad at work because I'm tired of having them stolen. Move on!

Off you go.

Playing (Music): "Hot Potato" by Freestyle Fellowship

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, April 8, 2010

Every week I do a column full of comic book reviews as I've done since March 2003 and currently published at Comic Book Resources. Then, after the reviews post, I try to come over to my blog and expand on the thoughts and ideas listed there. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's gibberish, but it's always about comics ... let's see what we get this week!

What? This week's reviews ...

Whoo! Had some fascinating meetings this week (gotta get that money, mayne), streamlined my process in terms of how I do my data management (on Friday, you'll see my review and why I love, love, love the Nokia N900) and -- oh yeah -- read some comics. Let's talk about that.

Oh, before we start, if you're looking for my admittedly harsh criticism of Blackest Night, there ya go. Let's move on.

Story Time; I can't believe people still ask me, "So, Fables, is that worth picking up?" Literally, yesterday, at a meeting with some entertainment industry types, a guy asked me that. To be fair, I also put him up on Transmetropolitan, a modern classic, so it is what it is. Anyhoo, despite the fact that Jack of Fables is drifting around like a car where the driver got tranq darted, this magical espionage mini might have scared you between issues 4 and 5 about where it was going, but it's freaking brilliant, a perfect self-contained story that leaves itself open to sequels, prequels and whatever else. Cinderella's one heck of a compelling character, with a Michael Weston-esque matter of factness mixed in with the horny irreverence of a Neil Caffrey. I'd love to see more applications of her, even though the current Fables storyline is writ a bit too large for her brand of intimate work.

Cherchez La Ghost: I know this dude Lalo Martins promised to email me about why this series is inaccurate in depicting everyday life in China, but I have yet to see him or anybody else do so. In the mean time, I'm completely enjoying Tony Bedard's work here, which is like a freaking instructional class on "how to introduce brand new characters and an environment the fans don't know." I'm engrossed in this story, these characters and the setting. Adding the political twist made it all the more delicious.

Sanguine Stuff: Sith, Spies and Shooting I really, really, really wanted to buy Star Wars Purge: Hidden Blade. Jedi-killing Vader one-shots. The promised depiction of how he almost singlehandedly extinguished the light of the Jedi from the galaxy. Vader never stepped up here, the coloring was too wishy washy ... there were problems. You should know how I tried to make it work, though, because I love the idea of Vader slicing through his problems. It's why I play the opening scene of Star Wars: Force Unleashed again and again.

Nemesis' interlude in crazytown was good in the first Impostors issue but is dragging things down now. You've gotta shake that off your leg and keep moving, Tom Tresser! Also: how does it feel to be the guy Wonder Woman was ready to give it to, but you said no? Dude! DUDE!

When Batman stood down to Red Robin, that was a moment I really enjoyed. More moments like that, please. If a comic can make me go "hh" or react emotionally (except, say, hatred or revulsion or sadness) thrice, I'll normally buy it. You hit me once, and maybe a half on Tam Fox. Work harder, please. Actually, I'll say the same exact thing for G.I. Joe: Origins, which almost made me forget the Wayans-osity of today's Wallace Weems.

Back it up: the same way I tried to love that Vader book, I put the same effort into Captain America/Black Panther: Flags of Our Fathers. T'chaka didn't get enough time to shine, the Americans got too much (using the Black soldier as a framing device was cute, but Wakanda's mystery is as elusive as Cavill's "plan" -- show us behind the curtain).

The line between Codebreakers and A-Team: Shotgun Wedding is super thin. A panel here or there goes differently and they could have switched places.

DC Comics, listen to me: you need to hire more editorial support. Before he was unceremoniously let go, Bob Shreck told me about how you kept piling on work and diminishing resources. Your editors are human beings. They need help. You can't blame "The Return of Bruce Wayne Begins Here" appearing on the cover of Batman and Robin #10 and #11 on Grant Morrison's drug problem. That happened in y'all's house. Clean it up, please.

Hope from Second Coming isn't interesting enough to talk about ... although the hair brush bit was a nice touch.

Also: Fun fact: I wrote an April Fool's opening of The Buy Pile last week, trying to write ... as Bizarro (the poem I was writing about him had me going). It didn't run. I'm not mad. Here it is.

WHAT IS THE SELL PILE?

Every week Hannibal Tabu (journalist/blogger/novelist/poet/jackass on Twitter) looks on the internet to see what comic books will come out that week, then avoids ever seeing them, instead deciding to review them based on his psychic impressions alone. Then his opinions are telepathically shared with thousands of people around the world, who go out and buy the books he believes in, and for kicks he prints reviews about them on this website for recordkeeping purposes. That farce goes a little something like this ...

THE SELL PILE FOR APRIL 1ST, 2010

Blackest Night #8 (DC Comics)
Jump from the Buy Pile. This am one of mankind's finest literary accomplishments. Ideas am making so much sense that it feels like hug from gramma. Developments for Hal Jordan, Sinestro, Nekron, Anti-Monitor and so many others were so not stupid that they should seem obvious to no one at all. Everyone in whole world will love this issue with no reservations, finding no inconsistencies at all ...

Okay ... it's April Fool's Day, and we tried. Bizarro comics reviews, ha ha ha ... there was just no maintaining this farce. Trying to review the worst book as though it were the best ... it's just not right. The joke didn't work, let's just do this the normal way ...

Behave.

Playing (Music): "Billionaire" by Travis McCoy feat. Bruno Mars

UPDATED: The Reign of the Mediocre (The Comics Edition) and Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, April 2, 2010

Two birds with one stone, then.

Every week I do a column full of comic book reviews as I've done since March 2003 and currently published at Comic Book Resources. Then, after the reviews post, I try to come over to my blog and expand on the thoughts and ideas listed there. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's gibberish, but it's always about comics ... let's see what we get this week!

What? This week's reviews

Last time, I wrote about a musical example of how mediocrity has become, in essence, the new standard for excellence. This time? Comic books -- in particular, DC's latest megacrossover Blackest Night.

"Damn, Hannibal, why do you have to go on like this?" I hear a lot. "Why can't you let well enough alone?" As a matter of fact, I got a fun piece of hate mail from ... well, it doesn't really matter who the guy was, let's get to what he said ...

Did Geoff Johns kill your puppy or something? You are so laughably, insanely WRONG with every single Blackest Night review you post in The Buy Pile, it borders on the surreal. "A crim [sic] against comics"?!? Really?!? What comic are you reading? I mean, I realize it's your opinion, but I think you should know that your opinion is wrong. I'm not really sure why CBR still publishes your ridiculous column.

My favorite part is that this is one of the more civil and reasoned pieces of hate mail I've gotten (which I don't mind, believe me). In any case, suffice it to say that the work has been polarizing, has made some money (selling no less than 130k comics per month at four bucks a pop, not counting tie-ins, despite a decline of 26.3 percent in sales over six months -- thanks to The Beat for that bit of data). Everybody's got an opinion and (factually speaking), everybody's wrong because there are no right opinions. I could easily be full of crap and Drake could easily become an American musical institution.

However, today on this blog I'm calling shenanigans ... and here's why ...

SPOILER ALERT! At this point the management wishes to warn you that the remainder of this blather will contain significant spoilers about the aforementioned Blackest Night crossover, and if you have any desire to avoid such, you should probably bugger off now ...

... fair warning ...

... last chance ...

... and off we go!

Taste the rainbow ...

Let's start at the foundation of things. The "Blackest Night" of Oan prophecy is a time when the energies of death will, for reasons that even Thanos would find shallow, "rise" up to try and exterminate all of life, bringing the sweet grasp of entropy to the cosmos. I am aware of the irony, me criticizing a comic book with such a focus given that I am a nihilist, but let's not get bogged down in digressions. Suffice it to say that the means of beating back the combined death energies is a combination of all of the "colors" of the "emotional spectrum" combining to form the "pure," "white" light of "life."

Hh.

Science first: If one is using what's called "additive" colors (like, say, your television) you can combine red, blue and green (and theoretically other colors) to get white. If one is using "subtractive" colors (like, say, crayons, or kids' finger paints), it's a different story -- mix them all together and get black (try it with a kid, they love that stuff). Given that the crossover works with light, one can theoretically allow a pass there ... even though technically (in that regard) black can absorb all such frequencies of light and "A black pigment can, however, result from a combination of several pigments that collectively absorb all colors. If appropriate proportions of three primary pigments are mixed, the result reflects so little light as to be called 'black.'" For more info, and some opinions, there's this to get you started. Suffice it to say that it's an arguable point, not the absolutist concept presented here, which already casts things in doubt ... especially given some of the other powers ascribed.

"... spring-time for Sin-es-tro, and Ko-ru-gar ..."

Culture next: When Sinestro ("Space Hitler," the clerk Quislet at Comics Ink calls him, because he's a fascist, he has a mustache and he's ... well, in space a lot) gained the "White Lantern" power at the end of issue #7, there were a lot of groans around said comics shop. I didn't even have to be the first guy to say, "Wait, the perfect white light is gonna kick the butt of the evil, black light?" Best of all, it wasn't even a Black person who said that. What was it MC Serch (another non-Black person, despite his behavioral mannerisms) once said? "Black cat is bad luck, bad guys wear black. Musta been a white guy who started all that." Sure, you can keep running those societal tropes ... but why? Being original is that hard? You're that incognizant of the effects of these kinds of things?

This is all before we get to the story itself, so let's get in there. For ... well, a lot of issues, you had these undead versions of (basically) everybody the characters know (it's never some random drifter) walking around and emotionally taunting the living to get emotional reactions from them. Seems that the emotions from the aforementioned spectrum made the Black Lanterns more powerful. Hh. Except the same colors and emotional spectrum also combined to allow "the entity" that encompassed all life (Marvel fans are saying, "Oh, Eternity") to manifest and empower a set of resurrected heroes to then spontaneously resurrect not just the one guy that the central villain needed to stay safe (he should have been watching this whole thing from Walla Walla or something) but every undead person standing around. How does that work? The same emotions that charges up Black Lanterns also severs their connection? Was the black ring technology ever explained? I'm calling shenanigans on that, dude.

This brings up an interesting point. In a recent CBR interview, Andy Lanning said that, when being brought back from the dead, cosmic demigod Thanos was "pissed." You're dead, you're all in whatever fate your spirit has gone too, and some shmucks yank you back to this wacky mudball filled with (in their case) spandex clad lunatics and wackjobs, half of whom are trying to kill you on days that end with the letter "y." There's some tint of that when Superman says to Martian Manhunter, "You're alive!" and J'onn responds, "It appears so."

Moreover in the last issue (which is freshest in my mind as I read and was disgusted by it just days ago), Hal made a point that (again) seems to contradict the value of these "rebirths." Hal yelled something Nekron saying, "You still want to take credit for bringing me back to life, Nekron? You might've opened the doorway, but I was the one who walked through it." If that's the case, then the new Arthur, the new J'onn, Whiterstorm (welcome back Ronnie Raymond, see ya Jason Rusch) and so on aren't as alive as they should be. Those people didn't "choose life." Their resurrections are diminished by reasoning mere pages before. Do we need another crossover to address that, or will we find out in a few dozen issues of navel gazing and whining?

Yes, I'm looking at you, Titans.

"Why isn't everybody reborn from the zombification?" Well, it seems only the zombies standing near Hal Jordan as he wielded his Jesus power made it back. Tim Drake's parents, all "connection severed" in Gotham? Yasemin with the flawless aim and weak constitution? Aqualad/Tempest? Sorry. "Yousa all bombad!"

Which reminds me: remember that scene where you saw all of the "entities" for each color of power ring? Also, note that the Anti-Monitor just shmucked off, alive and angry? How about the fact that Nekron's not gone, just his connection to this plane was disrupted when the Black Hand was Lazarused (a speedy application of CPR and emergency medicine could have stopped all of this, perhaps)? That's nine universe-class threats suited for crossovers right there. When Infinity Crusade popped up, sure, the seeds of it were in Infinity Gauntlet, but not in such an obvious, hamfisted way. Do I believe that (and note, this is the very, very first time I mention anybody on the creative team by name) the newly minted Chief Creative Officer is stacking the deck for himself and setting up a Crayola set of storylines for the whole company? Do I think that the Anti-Monitor, reborn and re-empowered, will be any less likely to attack in a humongous crossover than he was in 1986 now that he's super freaking angry?

Come. ON!

So far, in reverse order, I'm mad at the crossover-ready stunt casting and the science of it. What about the craft? Well, while I can appreciate the need for images for posters, how many splash pages with "billions" of enemies (two at least with John Stewart ... has anybody ever done a Daily Show joke around him?) and every Skittles-colored ring slinger heroically aiming their jewelry at something (at least three in the last two issues alone) are needed? When a planet full of Daxamites rose into the sky during The Great Darkness Saga, it caught your breath because it was rarified. When you pull the same visual gag issue after issue, it's a cliche. Overdoing the exposition in one issue (Sinestro right after he got the White Power) isn't something you can make up for with multi-page spreads (what did that fold out foolishness add to the story? Zip). That's wack, 'nuff said.

The Black Lantern strategy is hard to grok too. Get people worked up and get more powerful. Uh, okay. Then you have to whack the GL battery on Oa. Uh ... leaves the rest burning, but okay. Then billions of Black Lanterns (including, I sh** you not, an entire undead zombie planet) attack ... Coast City ... why? Oh, right, humans are self-aggrandizing shmucks who think a whole universe would find this world so important, all the way back to retconning Abin freaking Sur. Make it stop. Even a zombie would call malarkey on that plan.

Lex Luthor's dangerously out of character behavior (if he can get it together and help Superman in past stories, he shouldn't freak out and attack his allies with the whole world at stake). The Spectre getting housed by Black Lanterns diminishes the effect of his allegedly all-powerful "presence" (where was Zauriel in all of this?) Preposterous. The sheer volume of things logically wrong or editorially inconsistent boggles the mind.

How rapacious? DC has plans to sell two sets of these rings. Dude!

Most egregious of all, most insultingly, Deadman is alive. He had one job: be dead. Failed. Really? That was necessary? DUDE! When the last page rolls around, it's not even important which one of the yokels jabbering around the White Lantern picks it up.

Let's get more cynical. It's convenient to bring back heroes for a "brightest day" when the crosstown competition (who are still outselling DC, by the way) are launching their optimistic "Heroic Age." I'M JUST SAYIN'!!!!

I started reading comics in the early 80s, and have since read back to books in the '60s and '70s. I have a degree in creative writing from USC. I've studied craft and writing privately for years, in workshops and tomes. I can say, with all the experience and training I have been blessed to receive, that Blackest Night is not good storytelling by any objective standard I can recognize.

Let me also reiterate: I don't know any of the people who wrote, drew, lettered, colored or edited these works. There's no hidden enmity, no rejected pitch, no stolen bicycle. I don't think people should lose their jobs, I don't even think people should stop buying or selling these comics. I believe this is a bad story, period, and that's my whole stance.

Let me close with this piece of mail I got (and again, I get way more positive mail than negative, surprisingly enough, since people who have something negative to say, pro and fan alike, normally do so by posting on message boards I've never visited) ...

I read through your Buy Pile again and thought your critique of Blackest Night 8 was spot on accurate. I look forward to reading your column on why the series is a crime against comics.

I haven't been happy with the direction of DC Comics ever since Identity Crisis. There were spots of brilliance here and there, but the entirely of the DC universe degenerated into fan service battles, shock moments that hurt the overarching narratives, and pointless re-emergence of pre-Crisis characters and costumes.

Why the hell does Lex want to march into battles? He's not a scientist! He doesn't fight Superman hand to hand anymore! Scientists worked back in the 1950s due to the fear of the unspeakable weapons they could create. Businessmen makes far more sense as villains given the current political and economic climate. He's only a scientist because Geoff Johns can't let go of the Silver Age and allow characters to reflect the time period they currently exist in. It's insulting to read.

Can't Geoff even create a complete story? Infinite Crisis and now this one suffers from the same problem. There's no end to it. The storyarc comes to some sort of conclusion, but that conclusion is only seeds for new stories. It creates one giant story with no end. This is only done to sell more comics. The comic fan never gets a complete story anymore. Any dissatisfaction with the story will only be met with "oh, wait till the next issue" or "wait to see where the story is heading." I don't care where the story is heading. I want a complete story in the series. A beginning, middle, and end! ARGH!!!

Wow, I'm really venting here.

What's worse is all the fanboys. They don't realize Blackest Night is flipping them all the bird. There are lies like "dead is dead" and crap like bringing back Max Lord (I hated that Wonder Woman killed him because heroes don't kill, but to bring him back is to remove all the conflict built up since Infinite Crisis). Good lord...

Sigh.

Sorry for ranting :-) Hope you understand, though. Please keep up the awesome work.

I completely understand, and I appreciate hearing back. Your mileage, as always, may vary, standard disclaimers apply.

Playing (Music): "Ishmael" by Dwight Trible

UPDATED 100407: Blackest Night may have shone brightly for DC, but it's still under Siege ...

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, March 25, 2010

Every week I do a column full of comic book reviews as I've done since March 2003 and currently published at Comic Book Resources. Then, after the reviews post, I try to come over to my blog and expand on the thoughts and ideas listed there. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's gibberish, but it's always about comics ... let's see what we get this week!

What? This week's reviews ...

Remember that weird week a while back where I didn't dislike anything? This week was the opposite. Nothing was really catching my imagination. Weird.

Anyway, since that's all crap and I'm gonna take a whole blog to dissect Blackest Night some time in the next few weeks (in theory, don't hold me to it if I forget) let's look at Mark Millar's Nemesis.

I want to be on board for this. I'm the first one who says that Batman is a freaking psychopath. Billionaires with hangups don't put underwear on the outside of their fetish suits and go kick people in the face late at night in dark alleys. They spend their money making the world see things their way. The penchant for punching and young boys ... that's just some freak stuff, dude, no matter how you slice it.

Which is not to say that I think Batman isn't awesome, because he is. By sheer will, more than any Green Lantern, he has been the linchpin of galaxy-spanning events more than once. He's an amazing character. He just happens to be a dangerously repressed psychopath as well.

So the idea of a Bruce Wayne that has no repression, that he's having all the fun that the Joker has ... that's an intoxicating concept to me. So when I see it played out in the same shock-value decompressed style that made Kick-Ass tedious for me ... meh.

Now, people will be quick to call me a "hater" because despite my negative opinions, Millar's making a lot of money doing things this way. Which is fine -- I recognize that I am not the audience for every piece of content. I'm not gonna mitigate my desire to call shenanigans on it anyway.

I needed about fifty percent more content (details, character elements, plot points, whatever) to say the really enticing idea got properly executed. Failing that, I'd need more visuals like the bits with the train. As seen ... sorry, short of the mark, for me anyway.

Also: it would have been easy to just lift store clerk Quislet's whole shtick about Thaal (really? Thaal?) Sinestro being Space Hitler, now fueled by "pure" white power ... but people already think I'm that guy ... you know what? Let's save that for the "mediocrity" blog. That'll do for now.

Playing (music): "Take Over The World" by Kids in the Hall

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, March 18th 2010

NOTE: This is the FIFTIETH blog post for The Hundred and Four site, and also yesterday was St. Patrick's Day. If you can't find something to celebrate in all that, dude, you're wack. Anyhoo, check the new standardized intro ...

Every week I do a column full of comic book reviews as I've done since March 2003 and currently published at Comic Book Resources. Then, after the reviews post, I try to come over to my blog and expand on the thoughts and ideas listed there. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's gibberish, but it's always about comics ... let's see what we get this week!

What? This week's reviews ...

It's no secret that I'm not a fan of "event comics." Crossover books -- perhaps born with Jim Shooter's now-legendary Secret Wars -- are too often (in my not-so-humble opinion) a case of too many cooks in the kitchen. As well, I believe that the writing of today's comic industry (where a "hot" book sells less than 200,000 copies, numbers that were considered a death knell in the halcyon days of yore) stinks of fan fiction, of, "ooh, what if Somebody Man came back from the dead ... and he was super badass?" Stories that don't expand the mind or imagination (Stan Lee's tour de force introductions of the Mole Man, Galactus, Black Panther) or tell stories that are worth remembering (Majestic: The Big Chill, Transmetropolitan, Enemy of the State during Christopher Priest's lauded Black Panther run) are just servicing the trademarks or scraping for sales, perspectives that I find all too prevalent.

But yeah, I bought Siege because I finally bought in to the idea of "an event eight years in the making." That may be prorated, given the #1 issue that Jae Lee drew and Marvel delivered in September of 2000. In any case, things seem big and important and loud and explosive and I like that, with gods falling and Norman Osborn making good on the words of Canibus: "raze hell 'till the heavens fall."

I don't fall for the teenaged girl mushiness many feel about Steve Rogers (I always felt his 616 version was indecisive strategically), I don't get moist in the underwear over big splash pages (although there's two pages there that really deserved two pages) but the balls-to-the-wall action with chess pieces well developed (Iron Patriot, the complications of Bullseye, et cetera) is enjoyable.

From the grandiose to the intimate as Hercules really was a good guy behind all his buffoonery. I was a huge, huge fan of the Bob Layton-fueled Prince of Power miniseries and I'm honestly saddened to see the big guy go. However, I'm an even bigger fan of Amadeus Cho, so to see a non-martial arts fueled Asian male protagonist whup ass on brains alone is very intriguing to me.

I'd even go as far as saying Doomwar is as close to the Victor von Doom I would have written as I'm likely to see (somewhere, on a hard drive, I have a pitch for a mini called Doom World Order where I had the good doctor do some very impressive things, heralding the Parker Robbins motif). It also makes T'challa the man I always said he was: the least of Panthers and the most likely to lose it all. As brilliant as he is, his weaknesses will be remembered more than his strengths, at least in Wakanda.

Marvel did a lot right this week, from the tour-de-force performance by the Rhino (the more I think about it, the more I wish I'd have bought it, Peter's unemployment idiocy notwithstanding) to the aforementioned Bullseye doing his best "Michael Keaton in Pacific Heights" impression.

In other books, I'd really like to see more of the adventurous spirit I saw in Siege happening, especially books like Irredeemable, Booster Gold and Executive Assistant Iris. Titles like that are always "kinda good," but not reliably enough to spend money on (not my money anyway).

Then when you get the plodding tedium of a crossover like Blackest Night or the ill-considered goofiness of Fall of the Hulks, well, that can almost tank your week. Almost.

But then Ambrose and Red Riding Hood share a tender moment in Fables and all is right with the world again.

Before I go ...

Image has a hilarious set of spoof ads for something new from Image Comics riffing off of a team name in one of new partner Robert Kirkman's titles. I like that kind of playfulness in marketing, and I am actually curious to see what it all means.

Before I go, I also wanna thank Google Alerts for letting me know about some kind words being said about these reviews on CBR's message boards, as I am grateful for both the praise and the disgust that writing in public exposes one to.

That'll do -- I have work to do, a family to spend time with and a dangerously sexy new smartphone to set up with a word processor. Behave!

Playing (Music): "Forever" by Mateo off his Underneath the Sky Volume 3 mixtape

Commentary Track for March 10th Buy Pile Reviews

Holy crap.

I started writing The Buy Pile at CBR on March 9, 2006. Four years ago.

It also seems that I started writing the column as a whole on March 5, 2003.

A seventh anniversary. Seven years is a long time. Wow.

Yeah, there were comics, and whatever, but that's ... wow.

I don't even know what to say about that. Okay.

Sorry I'm not more chatty this week, I'm just bugged out over that.

Watching (TV): Men of a Certain Age, "Father's Fraternity"

Commentary Track for Two Weeks of The Buy Pile

All righty then.

Last week I was slammed at work and couldn't do a Commentary Track. Sorry. Like you freaking care. This week has been pretty brutal too, but I wanna squeeze all I can get from Blogger before I've gotta get out of this place ...

I like the idea of Gravel and a lot of what's going on, but the pacing is often really slow, making the "wait for the trade" mentality make more sense. Problem is, with my scatterbrained, episodic ability to enjoy entertainment between work and family and writing (more than I've done recently, thanks), I never get trades. They're too much of a time suck. I even load actual books on my phone, to read in snippets stolen from grocery lines or long meetings. Just a note, probably the biggest concern with this ongoing, the pacing.

Hit Monkey sucks. I said it. You can quote me. It should be hilarious and it's just a lead balloon.

I need Marvel to do something on their website. I need a round table with Amadeus Cho, Layla Miller and the newly (scarily) smart Valeria Richards. Honestly, I'd like to see Vril Dox moderate, but that's the stuff of fan fiction. Just letting those three loose would tickle me pink (if written well). I don't believe all three have ever been on panel together, and they're among Marvel's most interesting characters (to me) right now. Layla Miller singlehandedly brought me back to X-Factor, because the other characters that got my attention (Monet, Guido) were not getting the time they needed either.

Jonathan Hickman needs to go back to the indies. I said it. He's too good to be wasted in such a way, on plots that are too finite for his grandeur. I'm debating whether or not Fraction should follow. H1-X1 my butt.

I have to make two interesting notes about my (ongoing) criticism of Blackest Night -- I got an email from a reader named Michael Zack (thanks for checking out the work) who wrote:

I was just reading your "Buy Pile" on Comic Book Resources, and I'm the guy who was sitting in a corner crying because of Blackest Night #7. That series is devoid of any literary merit. It's only goal is to minimize reader creativity and spirit and push forward fan boy moments for that cheap thrill.

I weep for the future of the industry if this is considered to be the gold standard.

That almost made my day (the smiles and hugs of my wife and daughters beat it out, though).

Then I got a nice name check in Jeff Patterson's SF Signal column, where he said ...

... and the fanboys just keep lapping it up, buying it in droves and spouting glowing reviews with each fresh defiling. And the public doesn't care. People shriek about the portrayal of Teabaggers in Captain America, but have no problem with the dim-witted idea of 100,000 Kryptonians immigrating to Earth or the Green Goblin being put in charge of National Security.

(It needs mentioning here that Hannibal Tabu, who writes The Buy Pile column at Comic Book Resources, has been diligent in finding this stuff offensive. Kudos, Hannibal)

Much appreciation, Jeff.

This is not me saying that agreement makes me right nor more valid -- perish the thought. I just don't know how to respond to the positive mail I get (way, way, way more than the negative, as the detractors, even the professionals, normally just talk crap about me on message boards I've never visited), so I'm trying "public gratitude" on for size.

Also: I must note that Quislet (the schoolteacher/retail clerk known to some as Adam K, who lost the famous case of Namor's ankle wings) first declared that Sinestro was Space Hitler, now wielding the light of the whitest, er, Brightest Day, not me.

Now, as to crossovers in general. Here's my feeling of most DC crossovers since maybe just after Identity Crisis -- "let's keep adding more and more ridiculous situations and see what happens!" From the Mouse House of Ideas, it seems less fanfic-ish, as they'll let a weird circumstance (Norman Osborn as head of national security) stand for a long time and leave ramifications of it even after they essentially roll things back to their "mandated by licensing" standpoints. I like lots more individual moments in DC branded comics, but as a general feeling of zeitgeist, make mine Marvel. Just my thoughts.

If you're not up on Dingo, you completely missed out.

Lalo Martins never told me what was wrong with Great Ten.

John Layman's doing some interesting stuff with Chew.

In that I haven't had a "nothing sucks" week in recent memory, I'm ecstatic to say I loved loving comics this week (despite my wife, people at the shop and random passers-by believing I hate everything, despite starting every column with glowing praise ... whadda ya gonna do?) ...

That should do it for now.

Playing (Music): "Say Ahh" by Trey Songz feat. Fabolous

Commentary Track for The Buy Pile from February 17, 2010

First, some adminstrivia: these commentary tracks could hit a snag when Blogger goes dark on FTP (more on that shortly). I'll see what I can do. There's several possibilities, and I'm working on a blog about that, so I wanna stay on topic here.

Doomwar feels like the vindication of Christopher Priest's run, as it does similar things as the two "Enemy of the State" storylines (in my mind).

As somebody who remembers Bob Layton's Hercules series with great fondness (Recorder was the man!), the idea of a Marvel universe without the brash son of Zeus is oddly bittersweet. Wonder Man's still shlepping around and Herc had to pass? Some comics shop pundits noted the circular path of divinities, much like Alan Moore hinted at when the officers of Top 10 investigated the murder of Balder, but I can't imagine a way to bring him back and not have it take away a lot. Maybe the whole "Giffen/DeMatteis League Going To Hell For Tora" tactic. I can't see any other way.

The opening strains of All Hail Megatron were the last time I enjoyed a Transformers comic as much as Last Stand of the Wreckers and that's a good thing. Hopefully, unlike AHM it won't fall apart at the end. Kup's stepping up as a great point of exposition, Springer's an interesting leadership type and the sole human has yet to annoy. Shocker!

Deadpool ... when he's on, he's on. What more needs to be said?

As for Doctor Voodoo, I note that Earth's new main mage has yet to be called in on a really high profile consult, and he didn't make the "main" Avengers team (not publicly, anyway, a team which has zero non-Caucasians as of yet, but the Secret Avengers remain unrevealed), so even though he housed two major threats, I kind of feel like he didn't get an appropriate moment to shine. Also, that coloring and muddy ink work didn't help. Que sera sera.

If comics cost less, many, many books would have been contenders. I'm looking at you Incorruptible, G.I. Joe Cobra 2, Dark Avengers and ... heck, all of the honorable mentions. They're all good issues, just not good enough to justify the cover price.

Magog going "meh" was a surprise, but it just kind of Rashomon-ed stuff I'd already seen. Power Girl could probably reach just a little farther and make "Honorable Mention" status.

The bad ... you know what? No need to give it more light. I'm sleepy.

More news as it develops ...

Playing (Music): "Karma Police" by Radiohead

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, February 11, 2010

Another week, another set of reviews from "the critic comics fans love to hate" (according to Timelord, posting anonymously about me on a message board I've never heard of -- thanks Google Alerts). To be honest, if I knew I could cheese off this many people by getting paid and doing something I love, I'd have started years before I actually did (and now it's been ... spirit, almost seven years of the Buy Pile come next month).

In any case, this week ...

* Yes, I'll be glad when "Blackest Night"/"Brightest Day"/"Mauvest Afternoon" are all over because it'll let nice, weird books like Secret Six and R.E.B.E.L.S. get back to the depraved, sick things they do best. I'm not quite to the point where a Deadshot/Vril Dox team up book would get me to buy it sight unseen, but I'm not far from it either. Some of the best characterization around some of the worst people you'd ever wanna avoid on a dark street. In my meanest dreams, I want Amadeus Cho to grow up and be like Vril Dox (but more on young mister Cho in a bit).

I should really note that the cover for Phonogram: The Singles Club #7 shown in this week's reviews is not what was available at retail, and that the cover I bought is so, so much better. The same was true of issue #6 ... lemme see if I can find what I bought ... here we go. Shame I didn't find that last night while I was working on the reviews. Que sera sera.

There are so many stories I could write in the Phonogram universe. I have a third of an idea about a story about an American phonomancer (who's very, very different from anything David Kohl would have ever seen) that could set the world on fire, and Kohl would be forced to deal with him (and that's not always what you think). Maybe that's too superheroish. Anyway, it rattles around in my head every time I see Jamie McKelvie's perfect artwork (I would literally sacrifice puppies to Cthulhu to get him to work with me on a project) and see the all-too-clever riffs of Kieron Gillen's scripts.

What else? Hm ... I'm watching Human Target on TV and loving Mark Valley's deadpan take on, well, everything. If the comic could capture that and match the content density at a decent price point, they'd have something. Queen and Country used to feel like that, but smarter, less popcorn.

Here's a short story about Nate Grey: no.

Colt Noble and the Megalords was a web comic? Overpriced but funny, I could see signing on for an ongoing at a lower price point.

Explanation of "TV good" re: "Ultimate Comics Armor Wars." It was good enough to watch on TV ... for free. Paying money for it? Maybe not.

Coincidentally, I'm super excited about The Prince of Power featuring Amadeus Cho. An Asian male lead with no kung fu, just brains. I love it.

See you in the funny papers, kids, gotta run.

Playing (Music): "Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" from the first volume of the Glee soundtrack

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, February 4th, 2009

Let's do this week's second look at my reviews quickly, in that I haven't had lunch and I also need to drop the kids off at the pool. TMI? Sorry, I'm sleepy, filters may be clogged with confusion ...

Anyhoo, I love Dingo. I love, love, love this story. Ever since I read the whole thing as prose (which I recommend) and I can't believe how effective the adaptation is, even while it cuts corners in presenting the stuff. The novel's writer Michael Alan Nelson's doing the comic and he's doing good stuff. Very happy with that.

A guy on Twitter once promised me he'd break down how badly The Great Ten mangles what being in China is actually like ... but I've never seen it. The book reads well and I've enjoyed literally every page of it, and the structure Tony Bedard has laid out is simply flawless.

I will say -- and I do this with great trepidation as not only do I vastly like and admire Dwayne McDuffie, he's also considerably larger than I am -- that I wanted more from Milestone Forever. There's two scenes of just people standing and looking with name captions nearby. That made me a little sad. What happened with Holocaust makes zero sense to me, based on some displays of power I've seen him run. Unless Wise Son has a Lucas Bishop thing going on, I just don't get it, and even then, there's the Flash Rule of Protection from Your Own Powers to consider ... ah, I've said too much. Still, I'd pay six bucks to spend time in Dakota that way, even with those disappointments, and that's a sad statement of how emotionally invested I got with those characters.

Now for some events comics stuff. HOW MESSED UP WAS THAT PAGE WITH THE SENTRY? Siege #2 was wild, as spectacle if not as story. However, I believe Norman Osborn's not too well versed in myth, because gods rarely really die, and their nature is cyclical. So the idea that he can just take on some of the things he has afoot ... it's masochism at a scary level. It was nice to see Bob step up, finally, and not whine his way through something. Ever since that run in with the Molecule Man in Dark Avengers, he's been slowly getting more impressive.

I feel I do a disservice to books like Jonah Hex and Scalped because I am just not the right reader for the material. I can recognize that those were two of the best comics printed this week, based on scientific applications of craft and what not, but I just didn't like them. Like a beautiful person you're not attracted to, there's no accounting for taste. To an extent I feel this way about Criminal (and it's not even due to finding out that Ed Brubaker had a message board beef with me some years ago that only Google Alerts revealed to me -- which is ironic if you read another recent blog of mine, but I digress), but sometimes that noir'll do it for me if it really pushes the envelope.

Nova ... you were doing so well. Your own take on the GL Corps, your new recruit mechanism, it was cute. What's with the time travel? Dude! Dude!

That'll do, y'all. That'll do.

Playing (Music): "Never Get Enough" by Raul Midon

Commentary Track for The Buy Pile, January 27th 2009

This week's reviews were kind of like wading through hip deep mud, but it's better than actually wading through hip deep mud for reasons of cleanliness and coolness. Plus, a bad day reading comics is better than a good day doing real work, or so I've always believed.

So there was a handbook style issue this week, and people always ask me,"why do you buy all of these things?" I had to let somebody know once: buying handbooks is like buying the right to be right. When somebody says, "I know for a fact that D-Man guest starred in issue seven of Invincible Iron Man," or if they posit, "Well, everybody remembers how Spidey had sex with that chicken after he switched sides in 'Civil War,'" there's two ways you can shut them up. Have the actual issue or have a guidebook that tells them otherwise. It's an argument stopper, it's like having the old Encyclopaedia Britannica on the shelf and going to it every time there's an argument about aardvarks (and really, how many of us haven't had an argument about aardvarks?) -- well worth the money. The mix of issues was weird this time -- leading with modern SHIELD-era stuff for Tony Stark and then stepping back in time for Rhodey's first weird War Machine run (which was similar tonally to the start of this incarnation) -- but it had its benefits. I was shocked with how little of the real character and flavor of Fraction's run translated in this cut and dry presentation when so much of, say, the Clone Saga's idiocy came shining through.

In any case, there's that. Also, Kurt Busiek and Brent Anderson's immersive Astro City experience is worth the ride, almost every time, even when it isn't. Yes, that didn't make sense. I have a newborn at home, shut up.

Lessee, event comics ... I still can't believe how badly things are going if the last issue of Captain America: Reborn hits stands after Steve Rogers has been shlepping around the 616 for a few issues, with Bucky still looking moon-eyed at his side. The "Avengers Reassembled" shtick (bring back Cap, rebuild Tony as a hero, bring back Thor from his exile) is superbly transparent in the face of Norman Osborn's much more interesting machinations (his flaws make "Dark Reign" work as well as it does, although when they get predictable it's easy to take a pass) but that's just the way it is like Bruce Hornsby was on deck.

Back when I was on Twitter (oh, you didn't know about my yearlong sabbatical from social networking spanning my 37th and 38th birthdays?), there was this one guy who would at-sign me the angriest, wildest stuff after my reviews hit, especially in regards to anything Green Lantern or "Blackest Night" related. I found it hilarious -- he didn't follow me, didn't wanna engage in dialogue, he just wanted to curse at me. As previously noted, that's just fine with me -- hate mail is awesome. Any passionate response to my work is fine, because there's such a thin line between love and hate (apologies to The Persuaders) -- indifference is what I hate to see.

So when I got Green Lantern #50 in my hands, I could just imagine veins throbbing on foreheads and frustrated grappling. It amused me a little, because given the tools at hand, it's hard to make a "Blackest Night" story I'd like. Me, I appreciate the more mature perspective of another, older comics writer, who emailed me once saying that he wished I liked some of his work more but he appreciated the directness of my opinions. It was nice because he appreciated that they are opinions. I can't guarantee that anything I write will help or hurt anybody's sales. I certainly don't know anybody personally to the point where I'd have that much of a vendetta against them (well, nobody in comics anyway). I may toss a lob towards the rowdier sections of the peanut gallery if I'm already deep in the "this won't work" grass, but that's largely for kicks. If there's anything the internet loves, it's hyperbole. Maybe even Hyperbole and a Half.

So that was the big event comics this week, what else happened? Oh, despite the fact that I'm most likely to run him over with a car (mostly kidding, that's actually Brandon Jerwa), John Layman's writing some interesting stuff in Chew that has a lot of fans talking. It's always close to the mark, and when it makes it, it's really a delight.

I was happy to see Prometheus back as the galaxy-class bad guy I respected when he whispered, "... here comes justice!" There's still something critically wrong with Justice League Elite, er, Justice League: Cry for Justice that never connects. It's partially Congorilla, admittedly, but Hal's self righteousness doesn't help. Prometheus took a lot longer to improvise when his Wikipedia stylings failed him than I expected, but his overall plan made it kind of all right. The fight scenes looked so stiff, though, and his actual plot was like an old 1980s Dr. Doom scheme -- even Doom's gotten smarter after all these years. Just saying ...

Another thing ... ooh, what's that shiny, gotta go ...

Watching (Hulu): White Collar "Bad Judgement"

Commentary Track for the January 20th, 2009 Buy Pile

There were a number of challenges with this week's column due to a variety of influences. It was my 37th birthday on Wednesday, and my normal inclination for my birthday is to stay in bed the entire day. That was unlikely, given that I drove my stepdaughter to and (if memory serves) from school and also had some interesting times with our new daughter Ella, who doesn't exactly sleep during what mortals call "night time." So, sleep deprivation, up front.

Then, I made the announcement that I was retiring, Jay-Z/Jordan style, from social networking for 365 days as of Wednesday, also. Given that, in many ways, I practically lived online, that was an amazing challenge to even consider, much less engineer. So there's all that.

Up until the last moment, I wasn't even sure I was gonna go buy comics. The comic store was, luckily but challengingly, not in my bed. It was also cold and nasty out. I may have been drunk. It's hard to remember. But, there were no fewer than three Buy Pile regulars, so out I went.

I really like the working class grit of Gravel and when Warren Ellis feels like it, he can turn out one hell of a procedural. Toss into that his avowed and easily provable love for all things British and a dash of magic and murder, well, that's just good. I do wanna see more of the verve and sass that made the founding members of his Minor Seven, as the two that appeared here didn't do much, but otherwise I love the idea of "the king of all magic" being a kind of foot soldier who simply put one spell in front of another (yes, I'm wearing that metaphor out) until it all worked out. That's something I can relate to.

This crossover in Incredible Hercules is taking a little bit of time to get there. I said it. I love the interplay between Herc and the always entertaining Amadeus Cho (possibly even more as a hapless hero than as a nascent villain) and adding Athena and even a prepubescent Zeus to the mix was surprisingly effective. The creative tension there -- Amadeus' flustered charm, Hercules grinning certainty, the planning skills of Athena and Zeus' incredulity at it all ... that's good stuff. Really, though, the pacing could pick it up just a step.

Speaking of great ideas, Warren Ellis is chock full of them. Interdimensional flying vikings. Teleporting super powered busy female spy. How could you not love that? Ditto for Fables, which was good but likely also a little slow.

But to the meat of the matter -- no read pile? No bile and vitriol for anything, not even Transformers: Bumblebee or Phantom Stranger? No grudging nods for Incorruptible or Doctor Voodoo? Nah. Too much work, especially for my birthday. Easy to get back on the horse next week.

But yeah, that social networking thing? Crazy. Two days out, I already feel the pangs of it. In the elevator at work, I didn't reflexively click to Twitter on my phone. I turned off SMS updates from everybody -- no Tweets, no MySpace messages, nada. My phone has been eerily silent.

I'm not sure I dislike it.

But anyway, kind of introspective this week. I didn't get forty mil like Conan, but I'm okay, a year older and hopefully getting a little smarter as I go.

Playing (Music): "All The Above" by Maino feat. T-Pain

The Lost Buy Pile for December 30th, 2009 (Uncensored)

NOTE: It's not a big deal that CBR chose not to run my last Buy Pile column of 2009. I can count the weeks I've missed on two hands over the six plus years I've been doing this, so I was kind of peeved not to see it, but it's not like I was curing cancer or anything. Anyway, here it is, uncensored, in all its glory, CBR font tags left in because I'm too busy to fix it.

FRONT PAGE BLURB (yes, I write these as well)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, as the year ends with proof that Namor needs to flap his ankle wings, some of the year's worst comics and trying to brighten up Blackest Night. Happy New Year to you too, pal ...

THE COLUMN

WHAT IS THE BUY PILE?

Every week Hannibal Tabu (journalist/blogger/novelist/poet/karaoke host/jackass on Twitter) goes to a comic book store called Comics Ink in Culver City, CA (Overland and Braddock -- hey Steve, Jason, Vince and Quislet) and grabs a whole lotta comics. These periodicals are quickly sorted (how?) into two piles -- the "buy" pile (a small pile most weeks, comprised of planned purchases) and the "read" pile (often huge, often including comics that are really crappy but have some value to stay abreast of). Thursday afternoons you'll be able to get his thoughts (and they're just the opinions of one guy, so calm down) about all of that ... which goes something like this ...

NOTE: There was only one new comic book sold in US comics shops this week due to reasons both complicated and stupid. Let's never speak of them again. So here's that ... and a few surprises ...

THE BUY PILE FOR DECEMBER 30TH, 2009

Blackest Night #6 (DC Comics)

Jump from the Read Pile. The only book sold on the last week of 2009 ... and it stinks. What's weird is that it doesn't stink in the big, showy way that the previous issue did. No, it goes about it in a workmanlike fashion, dutifully doing ridiculous things and pacing them through the narrative as though they shouldn't be the root cause for relentless mockery.

Why? Okay, let's get into that. First of all, Barry Allen grabs Hal Jordan's green power ring-created chain and runs fast enough to travel "two seconds into the future" to make the Black Lantern rings seeking their resurrected flesh. Wait, what? So ... the "emotional reaction" to Blackest Night Batman ... can be outrun? "As long as we don't jump out of our boots again," Allen said, "the rings won't have anything to grab onto" (no, that's not a word, let's not even get into that, the editors are overworked for the love of pie).

Then there's the weird technology side. A Black Lantern treated being possessed by Boston Brand like he was a digital virus and ejected him. Ganthet made some weird notation and alleged that all the rings are "all based on Oan technology" and "contain the same safeguard." Really? So when the Weaponers of the anti-matter world of Qward made those babies, they followed specs from Oa? Given that the Weaponers hated Oa and GLs in particular? Lemme see, I hate cars, lemme make this metal vehicle with four wheels in a rectangular pattern and send it out to battle them. Really? Wow.

Add in the stunt casting (more fantasy ball versions of "who gets a ring?"), another "color change" that was all too easy and a weird cover gallery of what look like "undead" issues of cancelled series, brought back to feed the crossover ... ugh. It's just distasteful, and ends the year on a bad note.

Wait, the book stinks ... why buy it? Well, it was (again) the only book on sale this week, and supporting your local comics shop is important. There's also ... well, we're getting ahead of ourselves. We'll discuss the other motives for wanting to be in the shop (and therefore supporting it) momentarily ...

WHAT'S THE PROGNOSIS

There were two freebies from the Mouse House of Ideas, "Origins of Siege" (which really has Norman Osborn playing out of his depth alongside some cute one page origin stories which simplify a great deal) and Marvel's 2010 calendar, with ads for a clearly reassembled Avengers (classic style), "Fall of the Hulks" and so on, but without art credits on the pin ups. Meh.

So ... four dollar stinker, meh freebies ... the end of 2009 is as bad as the Buy Pile's trusty smartphone falling down the stairs on the way in and breaking irrevocably. *sigh*

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Ah, here's where it gets interesting.

If you've kept up with the commentary tracks for this column (running over at The Hundred and Four, you'd know about the showdown between a school teacher and a lawyer over whether or not Namor needs to flap the wings on his ankles to fly.

First, back it up. Early in 2009, in a store full of customers on a Wednesday, The Counselor brought up the idea that Namor needed to flap the aforementioned ankle wings to fly. This was widely mocked and laughed at, especially given that The Counselor (a successful divorce lawyer) had apparently gotten housed on a Legion of Super-Heroes related discussion involving Quislet some time before. This time, however, he was determined. Week after week he came back, quoting some obscure panel ("Daredevil" this, Matt Cherniss' mini series that) and was rebuffed, ultimately given the word from another Comics Ink employee (Vince Moore of Comics Waiting Room fame) that a John Byrne panel proved Namor was just a crazy man in panties and could fly any darned well time he felt like it, flapping or no flapping.

However, Vince turned out to be the Kato Kaelin of this case, because further examination of the entirety of Byrne's Namor run (and that takes either dedication or insanity) proved that Vince had misread and misquoted and has since been shunned and mocked like the guy two guys back who climbed off of Madonna. The Counselor was given a new trial before an appellate court (presided over by this columnist with a jury of whoever comes in the shop for this madness) but had to present his case on a Wednesday before the end of 2009.

So ... well, it all went down today and it was big. Wrestlemania big. The Counselor stood with a stack of evidentiary exhibits, an eight page brief on his case and a fresh suit. The defense, a degenerate in deadbeat's clothes, simply flustered and tried to get his leather vest not to chafe. It was crazy. The whole PDF may go online, depending on how some emails might go. Keep watching that blog for updates (and videos, if we can get them off of Facebook). It's hard to try to encapsulate being there for such a show of comics scholarship (one of the finest examples this reviewer has ever seen that didn't involve the named Waid or Busiek), fanwankery (as he doesn't get paid for this) or sheer awesomeness (the wonderful juxtaposition of the two). Simply an outstanding moment to love comics and more than makes up for ... well, "Blackest Night" #6.

That's winners. Losers? Well, let's look at some of the worst comic books of 2009 ...

- "Ambush Bug Year None" #7, which actually seemed to hate the fans more than the last issue of "Wanted."

- "Captain America: Reborn" #4, with the Red Skull ... look, we can't even talk about it in detail because Cap's running around and the last issue of this mini still hides in the Mouse House of Ideas.

- "Adventure Comics" #5, which literally took Superboy Prime into the offices of DC Comics in a move so goofily meta that it made "Ex Machina" look like Tolstoy.

- "Fantastic Four" #567, with the dream sequence and the "Marquis of Death" and really, what's up with this run being so terrible, since "Nightly News" alone proved Jonathan Hickman's a freaking genius?

There were lots of bad comics -- "Nomad: Girl Without a World" leaps to mind, or maybe "Titans" as examples of books that hate America and hate puppies -- but these four were so abysmal that even cursory glances over the reviews in question could cause nausea.

So there's that. Happy new year, pal.

THE BUSINESS

Got a comic you think should be reviewed in The Buy Pile? If we get a PDF of a fairly normal length comic (i.e. "less than 64 pages") by no later than 24 hours before the actual issue arrives in stores (and sorry, we can only review comics people can go to stores and buy), we guarantee the work will get reviewed, if remembered. Physical comics? Geddouttahere. Too much drama to store with diminishing resources. If you send it in more than two days before comics come out, the possibility of it being forgotten increases exponentially.

There are now two official ways to get Hannibal Tabu's blog-related wisdom. For all personal things, there's Hannibal's relaunched Soapbox and for his views on the weird, wild world there's The Hundred and Four.

Playing (Music): "Hard" by Rihanna feat. Young Jeezy ('cause that Hannibal reign just won't let up)

Commentary Track: The Buy Pile for November 25, 2009

First of all, let's be completely clear: this joint was done Thursday morning. Some little known holiday made CBR's leadership wanna hold off posting that day. Didn't stop Bleeding Cool, but they're from England, where Warren Ellis said, "Here in Britain, of course, it's 'Thank F**k We Got Those Weird Jesus Bastards On The Boat Day.'" I have no beef at all with that.

Anyway, on to the reviews.

I will say that for all the talk about Ultimate War Machine's capacity, I'd like to see some of that happen -- if his chest beam can level a major city, I need to see a major city leveled. It's like the old saying about drama -- if you see a gun in the first act, it has to be fired before the final curtain calls. Let's give Ultimate War Machine a chance to shine one day soon, shall we?

People think I hate Brian Michael Bendis. To be honest, people think I hate a lot of stuff that I just barely pay attention to. In any case, I've been critical of a lot of Bendis comics for the same reason I'm critical of some of Jeph Loeb comics or Warren Ellis comics or Jonathan Hickman comics or Peter David comics. I know they can do better. I can go pick up Batman: The Long Halloween or Transmetropolitan Vol. 01: Back on the Street or The Nightly News or Incredible Hulk Visionaries - Peter David, Vol. 6 (do you have six plus volumes of anything in print calling you a "visionary?" Me neither ... I should get to work on that) and point out, panel by panel, how they can do better. Every page won't be our best, but I need for the disparity to be less striking.

So when I pick up an issue like this, or some of his Dark Avengers stuff, where the script really hauls ass and the art keeps pace, I give praise where it's due. I have nothing personal against anybody in comics. Not the major company editor who acted like I was gonna rob them when I asked a question at SDCC one year, not the major company writer who's reputed to toss racial slurs around in casual conversation, nobody. I have artistic beefs with some people, and in some cases (one leaps to mind, as I see his Twitter updates) was settled quite impressively and said creative person has upped the game a hundredfold. I like that. Moving forward, doing better. It's tough love, but love nonetheless. Never forget I freaking love comics.

Moving on: I would tune in every single week if Chew were on TV. I've made many death threats against its writer John Layman (most of which were jokes), I've participated in his foolish blog challenge, and so on. But beneath the cloud of questionable smoke and the dazed look in his eye, he's actually pretty talented, and Chew is a great showcase for the twisted, multi-layered humor-slash-action-slash-drama style he has honed into something great. However, saying all that, the comic's good, but it's not "oh my god" good. There were a few issues that elicited such a reaction, ones where I re-read it and was like, "I can't believe this!" But most are just below that point, and I need that in a title like this which can allow Layman to be quirky without really needing to go very far with it.

A similar concern happens with Star Wars: Legacy. In my brain, I want so badly for this series to be good. I honestly want every Star Wars book to be a guaranteed purchase -- ditto for G.I. Joe and Transformers. These are, for better or worse, part of mu cultural inheritance, etched into the permacrete of my upbringing like tagger's legacies in the sidewalk. The threshhold between "good" and "great," to me, is the difference in what I'd watch on TV because it's tolerable and it's on and the stuff I watch with fervor, working hard to sit down with it and pay attention. If I'm happy to multi-task while it's on, it's not good enough to pay for, and the same goes for comics (although I can't multi-task while reading comics, or I'd get a lot more done).

While I'm at it, the same goes for Immortal Weapons this week, Criminal, Son of Hulk, Wildcats, Wonder Womanand probably a few more.

Now, for the SPOILERS. I dunno if Dove's white light shtick showed her as the first of the "White Lanterns" or not (now appearing all over Idaho), but the idea that all life comes from white light and all death from black light sounds like the same old 3rd Bass complaints. "Black cats is bad luck, bad guys wear black/ Must have been a white guy who started all that." (Fun fact, MC Serch is white, which is why I love using that line -- that sort of thing and singing rock music at karaoke are as close as I'm likely to get to reparations). Better yet, as Ras Kass said, "Black is the combination of all colors/White is the lack thereof/Darkness is beneath the ground, and in the skies up above." That's just science. So that stuck in my craw pretty badly.

I can't say how excited I am about the new Dingo comic that's coming from Boom! Studios. I read the original novel when it was chapters in a dude's blog and remember anxiously waiting for the next installment to drop. I'm so pumped, because I already read the preview PDF and I'm seriously walking right in and buying that bastard. Such a great story.

I've talked a lot about The Untamed #1 from Stranger Comics (and yes, I'm sorry about the Flash, it's so not my idea and/or fault) which is coming up, but it hits stores next week and I'm very jazzed about it -- and not just because I'm working with the publisher. It's a mean spirited dark fantasy set in a world that's equal parts Kurosawa, Tolkien and Sergio Leone. I love the tone of it and the pacing's measured, not slow. Due to the conflict of interest, I won't review it next week (I read the first two or three issues months ago) but I didn't wanna let it go unheralded.

That'll do for now. Have a good weekend.

Playing (Music): "The Professional" by Black Thought