Commentary Track for March 10th Buy Pile Reviews

Holy crap.

I started writing The Buy Pile at CBR on March 9, 2006. Four years ago.

It also seems that I started writing the column as a whole on March 5, 2003.

A seventh anniversary. Seven years is a long time. Wow.

Yeah, there were comics, and whatever, but that's ... wow.

I don't even know what to say about that. Okay.

Sorry I'm not more chatty this week, I'm just bugged out over that.

Watching (TV): Men of a Certain Age, "Father's Fraternity"

Commentary Track for Two Weeks of The Buy Pile

All righty then.

Last week I was slammed at work and couldn't do a Commentary Track. Sorry. Like you freaking care. This week has been pretty brutal too, but I wanna squeeze all I can get from Blogger before I've gotta get out of this place ...

I like the idea of Gravel and a lot of what's going on, but the pacing is often really slow, making the "wait for the trade" mentality make more sense. Problem is, with my scatterbrained, episodic ability to enjoy entertainment between work and family and writing (more than I've done recently, thanks), I never get trades. They're too much of a time suck. I even load actual books on my phone, to read in snippets stolen from grocery lines or long meetings. Just a note, probably the biggest concern with this ongoing, the pacing.

Hit Monkey sucks. I said it. You can quote me. It should be hilarious and it's just a lead balloon.

I need Marvel to do something on their website. I need a round table with Amadeus Cho, Layla Miller and the newly (scarily) smart Valeria Richards. Honestly, I'd like to see Vril Dox moderate, but that's the stuff of fan fiction. Just letting those three loose would tickle me pink (if written well). I don't believe all three have ever been on panel together, and they're among Marvel's most interesting characters (to me) right now. Layla Miller singlehandedly brought me back to X-Factor, because the other characters that got my attention (Monet, Guido) were not getting the time they needed either.

Jonathan Hickman needs to go back to the indies. I said it. He's too good to be wasted in such a way, on plots that are too finite for his grandeur. I'm debating whether or not Fraction should follow. H1-X1 my butt.

I have to make two interesting notes about my (ongoing) criticism of Blackest Night -- I got an email from a reader named Michael Zack (thanks for checking out the work) who wrote:

I was just reading your "Buy Pile" on Comic Book Resources, and I'm the guy who was sitting in a corner crying because of Blackest Night #7. That series is devoid of any literary merit. It's only goal is to minimize reader creativity and spirit and push forward fan boy moments for that cheap thrill.

I weep for the future of the industry if this is considered to be the gold standard.

That almost made my day (the smiles and hugs of my wife and daughters beat it out, though).

Then I got a nice name check in Jeff Patterson's SF Signal column, where he said ...

... and the fanboys just keep lapping it up, buying it in droves and spouting glowing reviews with each fresh defiling. And the public doesn't care. People shriek about the portrayal of Teabaggers in Captain America, but have no problem with the dim-witted idea of 100,000 Kryptonians immigrating to Earth or the Green Goblin being put in charge of National Security.

(It needs mentioning here that Hannibal Tabu, who writes The Buy Pile column at Comic Book Resources, has been diligent in finding this stuff offensive. Kudos, Hannibal)

Much appreciation, Jeff.

This is not me saying that agreement makes me right nor more valid -- perish the thought. I just don't know how to respond to the positive mail I get (way, way, way more than the negative, as the detractors, even the professionals, normally just talk crap about me on message boards I've never visited), so I'm trying "public gratitude" on for size.

Also: I must note that Quislet (the schoolteacher/retail clerk known to some as Adam K, who lost the famous case of Namor's ankle wings) first declared that Sinestro was Space Hitler, now wielding the light of the whitest, er, Brightest Day, not me.

Now, as to crossovers in general. Here's my feeling of most DC crossovers since maybe just after Identity Crisis -- "let's keep adding more and more ridiculous situations and see what happens!" From the Mouse House of Ideas, it seems less fanfic-ish, as they'll let a weird circumstance (Norman Osborn as head of national security) stand for a long time and leave ramifications of it even after they essentially roll things back to their "mandated by licensing" standpoints. I like lots more individual moments in DC branded comics, but as a general feeling of zeitgeist, make mine Marvel. Just my thoughts.

If you're not up on Dingo, you completely missed out.

Lalo Martins never told me what was wrong with Great Ten.

John Layman's doing some interesting stuff with Chew.

In that I haven't had a "nothing sucks" week in recent memory, I'm ecstatic to say I loved loving comics this week (despite my wife, people at the shop and random passers-by believing I hate everything, despite starting every column with glowing praise ... whadda ya gonna do?) ...

That should do it for now.

Playing (Music): "Say Ahh" by Trey Songz feat. Fabolous

Commentary Track for The Buy Pile from February 17, 2010

First, some adminstrivia: these commentary tracks could hit a snag when Blogger goes dark on FTP (more on that shortly). I'll see what I can do. There's several possibilities, and I'm working on a blog about that, so I wanna stay on topic here.

Doomwar feels like the vindication of Christopher Priest's run, as it does similar things as the two "Enemy of the State" storylines (in my mind).

As somebody who remembers Bob Layton's Hercules series with great fondness (Recorder was the man!), the idea of a Marvel universe without the brash son of Zeus is oddly bittersweet. Wonder Man's still shlepping around and Herc had to pass? Some comics shop pundits noted the circular path of divinities, much like Alan Moore hinted at when the officers of Top 10 investigated the murder of Balder, but I can't imagine a way to bring him back and not have it take away a lot. Maybe the whole "Giffen/DeMatteis League Going To Hell For Tora" tactic. I can't see any other way.

The opening strains of All Hail Megatron were the last time I enjoyed a Transformers comic as much as Last Stand of the Wreckers and that's a good thing. Hopefully, unlike AHM it won't fall apart at the end. Kup's stepping up as a great point of exposition, Springer's an interesting leadership type and the sole human has yet to annoy. Shocker!

Deadpool ... when he's on, he's on. What more needs to be said?

As for Doctor Voodoo, I note that Earth's new main mage has yet to be called in on a really high profile consult, and he didn't make the "main" Avengers team (not publicly, anyway, a team which has zero non-Caucasians as of yet, but the Secret Avengers remain unrevealed), so even though he housed two major threats, I kind of feel like he didn't get an appropriate moment to shine. Also, that coloring and muddy ink work didn't help. Que sera sera.

If comics cost less, many, many books would have been contenders. I'm looking at you Incorruptible, G.I. Joe Cobra 2, Dark Avengers and ... heck, all of the honorable mentions. They're all good issues, just not good enough to justify the cover price.

Magog going "meh" was a surprise, but it just kind of Rashomon-ed stuff I'd already seen. Power Girl could probably reach just a little farther and make "Honorable Mention" status.

The bad ... you know what? No need to give it more light. I'm sleepy.

More news as it develops ...

Playing (Music): "Karma Police" by Radiohead

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, February 11, 2010

Another week, another set of reviews from "the critic comics fans love to hate" (according to Timelord, posting anonymously about me on a message board I've never heard of -- thanks Google Alerts). To be honest, if I knew I could cheese off this many people by getting paid and doing something I love, I'd have started years before I actually did (and now it's been ... spirit, almost seven years of the Buy Pile come next month).

In any case, this week ...

* Yes, I'll be glad when "Blackest Night"/"Brightest Day"/"Mauvest Afternoon" are all over because it'll let nice, weird books like Secret Six and R.E.B.E.L.S. get back to the depraved, sick things they do best. I'm not quite to the point where a Deadshot/Vril Dox team up book would get me to buy it sight unseen, but I'm not far from it either. Some of the best characterization around some of the worst people you'd ever wanna avoid on a dark street. In my meanest dreams, I want Amadeus Cho to grow up and be like Vril Dox (but more on young mister Cho in a bit).

I should really note that the cover for Phonogram: The Singles Club #7 shown in this week's reviews is not what was available at retail, and that the cover I bought is so, so much better. The same was true of issue #6 ... lemme see if I can find what I bought ... here we go. Shame I didn't find that last night while I was working on the reviews. Que sera sera.

There are so many stories I could write in the Phonogram universe. I have a third of an idea about a story about an American phonomancer (who's very, very different from anything David Kohl would have ever seen) that could set the world on fire, and Kohl would be forced to deal with him (and that's not always what you think). Maybe that's too superheroish. Anyway, it rattles around in my head every time I see Jamie McKelvie's perfect artwork (I would literally sacrifice puppies to Cthulhu to get him to work with me on a project) and see the all-too-clever riffs of Kieron Gillen's scripts.

What else? Hm ... I'm watching Human Target on TV and loving Mark Valley's deadpan take on, well, everything. If the comic could capture that and match the content density at a decent price point, they'd have something. Queen and Country used to feel like that, but smarter, less popcorn.

Here's a short story about Nate Grey: no.

Colt Noble and the Megalords was a web comic? Overpriced but funny, I could see signing on for an ongoing at a lower price point.

Explanation of "TV good" re: "Ultimate Comics Armor Wars." It was good enough to watch on TV ... for free. Paying money for it? Maybe not.

Coincidentally, I'm super excited about The Prince of Power featuring Amadeus Cho. An Asian male lead with no kung fu, just brains. I love it.

See you in the funny papers, kids, gotta run.

Playing (Music): "Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" from the first volume of the Glee soundtrack

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, February 4th, 2009

Let's do this week's second look at my reviews quickly, in that I haven't had lunch and I also need to drop the kids off at the pool. TMI? Sorry, I'm sleepy, filters may be clogged with confusion ...

Anyhoo, I love Dingo. I love, love, love this story. Ever since I read the whole thing as prose (which I recommend) and I can't believe how effective the adaptation is, even while it cuts corners in presenting the stuff. The novel's writer Michael Alan Nelson's doing the comic and he's doing good stuff. Very happy with that.

A guy on Twitter once promised me he'd break down how badly The Great Ten mangles what being in China is actually like ... but I've never seen it. The book reads well and I've enjoyed literally every page of it, and the structure Tony Bedard has laid out is simply flawless.

I will say -- and I do this with great trepidation as not only do I vastly like and admire Dwayne McDuffie, he's also considerably larger than I am -- that I wanted more from Milestone Forever. There's two scenes of just people standing and looking with name captions nearby. That made me a little sad. What happened with Holocaust makes zero sense to me, based on some displays of power I've seen him run. Unless Wise Son has a Lucas Bishop thing going on, I just don't get it, and even then, there's the Flash Rule of Protection from Your Own Powers to consider ... ah, I've said too much. Still, I'd pay six bucks to spend time in Dakota that way, even with those disappointments, and that's a sad statement of how emotionally invested I got with those characters.

Now for some events comics stuff. HOW MESSED UP WAS THAT PAGE WITH THE SENTRY? Siege #2 was wild, as spectacle if not as story. However, I believe Norman Osborn's not too well versed in myth, because gods rarely really die, and their nature is cyclical. So the idea that he can just take on some of the things he has afoot ... it's masochism at a scary level. It was nice to see Bob step up, finally, and not whine his way through something. Ever since that run in with the Molecule Man in Dark Avengers, he's been slowly getting more impressive.

I feel I do a disservice to books like Jonah Hex and Scalped because I am just not the right reader for the material. I can recognize that those were two of the best comics printed this week, based on scientific applications of craft and what not, but I just didn't like them. Like a beautiful person you're not attracted to, there's no accounting for taste. To an extent I feel this way about Criminal (and it's not even due to finding out that Ed Brubaker had a message board beef with me some years ago that only Google Alerts revealed to me -- which is ironic if you read another recent blog of mine, but I digress), but sometimes that noir'll do it for me if it really pushes the envelope.

Nova ... you were doing so well. Your own take on the GL Corps, your new recruit mechanism, it was cute. What's with the time travel? Dude! Dude!

That'll do, y'all. That'll do.

Playing (Music): "Never Get Enough" by Raul Midon

Commentary Track for The Buy Pile, January 27th 2009

This week's reviews were kind of like wading through hip deep mud, but it's better than actually wading through hip deep mud for reasons of cleanliness and coolness. Plus, a bad day reading comics is better than a good day doing real work, or so I've always believed.

So there was a handbook style issue this week, and people always ask me,"why do you buy all of these things?" I had to let somebody know once: buying handbooks is like buying the right to be right. When somebody says, "I know for a fact that D-Man guest starred in issue seven of Invincible Iron Man," or if they posit, "Well, everybody remembers how Spidey had sex with that chicken after he switched sides in 'Civil War,'" there's two ways you can shut them up. Have the actual issue or have a guidebook that tells them otherwise. It's an argument stopper, it's like having the old Encyclopaedia Britannica on the shelf and going to it every time there's an argument about aardvarks (and really, how many of us haven't had an argument about aardvarks?) -- well worth the money. The mix of issues was weird this time -- leading with modern SHIELD-era stuff for Tony Stark and then stepping back in time for Rhodey's first weird War Machine run (which was similar tonally to the start of this incarnation) -- but it had its benefits. I was shocked with how little of the real character and flavor of Fraction's run translated in this cut and dry presentation when so much of, say, the Clone Saga's idiocy came shining through.

In any case, there's that. Also, Kurt Busiek and Brent Anderson's immersive Astro City experience is worth the ride, almost every time, even when it isn't. Yes, that didn't make sense. I have a newborn at home, shut up.

Lessee, event comics ... I still can't believe how badly things are going if the last issue of Captain America: Reborn hits stands after Steve Rogers has been shlepping around the 616 for a few issues, with Bucky still looking moon-eyed at his side. The "Avengers Reassembled" shtick (bring back Cap, rebuild Tony as a hero, bring back Thor from his exile) is superbly transparent in the face of Norman Osborn's much more interesting machinations (his flaws make "Dark Reign" work as well as it does, although when they get predictable it's easy to take a pass) but that's just the way it is like Bruce Hornsby was on deck.

Back when I was on Twitter (oh, you didn't know about my yearlong sabbatical from social networking spanning my 37th and 38th birthdays?), there was this one guy who would at-sign me the angriest, wildest stuff after my reviews hit, especially in regards to anything Green Lantern or "Blackest Night" related. I found it hilarious -- he didn't follow me, didn't wanna engage in dialogue, he just wanted to curse at me. As previously noted, that's just fine with me -- hate mail is awesome. Any passionate response to my work is fine, because there's such a thin line between love and hate (apologies to The Persuaders) -- indifference is what I hate to see.

So when I got Green Lantern #50 in my hands, I could just imagine veins throbbing on foreheads and frustrated grappling. It amused me a little, because given the tools at hand, it's hard to make a "Blackest Night" story I'd like. Me, I appreciate the more mature perspective of another, older comics writer, who emailed me once saying that he wished I liked some of his work more but he appreciated the directness of my opinions. It was nice because he appreciated that they are opinions. I can't guarantee that anything I write will help or hurt anybody's sales. I certainly don't know anybody personally to the point where I'd have that much of a vendetta against them (well, nobody in comics anyway). I may toss a lob towards the rowdier sections of the peanut gallery if I'm already deep in the "this won't work" grass, but that's largely for kicks. If there's anything the internet loves, it's hyperbole. Maybe even Hyperbole and a Half.

So that was the big event comics this week, what else happened? Oh, despite the fact that I'm most likely to run him over with a car (mostly kidding, that's actually Brandon Jerwa), John Layman's writing some interesting stuff in Chew that has a lot of fans talking. It's always close to the mark, and when it makes it, it's really a delight.

I was happy to see Prometheus back as the galaxy-class bad guy I respected when he whispered, "... here comes justice!" There's still something critically wrong with Justice League Elite, er, Justice League: Cry for Justice that never connects. It's partially Congorilla, admittedly, but Hal's self righteousness doesn't help. Prometheus took a lot longer to improvise when his Wikipedia stylings failed him than I expected, but his overall plan made it kind of all right. The fight scenes looked so stiff, though, and his actual plot was like an old 1980s Dr. Doom scheme -- even Doom's gotten smarter after all these years. Just saying ...

Another thing ... ooh, what's that shiny, gotta go ...

Watching (Hulu): White Collar "Bad Judgement"

Commentary Track for the January 20th, 2009 Buy Pile

There were a number of challenges with this week's column due to a variety of influences. It was my 37th birthday on Wednesday, and my normal inclination for my birthday is to stay in bed the entire day. That was unlikely, given that I drove my stepdaughter to and (if memory serves) from school and also had some interesting times with our new daughter Ella, who doesn't exactly sleep during what mortals call "night time." So, sleep deprivation, up front.

Then, I made the announcement that I was retiring, Jay-Z/Jordan style, from social networking for 365 days as of Wednesday, also. Given that, in many ways, I practically lived online, that was an amazing challenge to even consider, much less engineer. So there's all that.

Up until the last moment, I wasn't even sure I was gonna go buy comics. The comic store was, luckily but challengingly, not in my bed. It was also cold and nasty out. I may have been drunk. It's hard to remember. But, there were no fewer than three Buy Pile regulars, so out I went.

I really like the working class grit of Gravel and when Warren Ellis feels like it, he can turn out one hell of a procedural. Toss into that his avowed and easily provable love for all things British and a dash of magic and murder, well, that's just good. I do wanna see more of the verve and sass that made the founding members of his Minor Seven, as the two that appeared here didn't do much, but otherwise I love the idea of "the king of all magic" being a kind of foot soldier who simply put one spell in front of another (yes, I'm wearing that metaphor out) until it all worked out. That's something I can relate to.

This crossover in Incredible Hercules is taking a little bit of time to get there. I said it. I love the interplay between Herc and the always entertaining Amadeus Cho (possibly even more as a hapless hero than as a nascent villain) and adding Athena and even a prepubescent Zeus to the mix was surprisingly effective. The creative tension there -- Amadeus' flustered charm, Hercules grinning certainty, the planning skills of Athena and Zeus' incredulity at it all ... that's good stuff. Really, though, the pacing could pick it up just a step.

Speaking of great ideas, Warren Ellis is chock full of them. Interdimensional flying vikings. Teleporting super powered busy female spy. How could you not love that? Ditto for Fables, which was good but likely also a little slow.

But to the meat of the matter -- no read pile? No bile and vitriol for anything, not even Transformers: Bumblebee or Phantom Stranger? No grudging nods for Incorruptible or Doctor Voodoo? Nah. Too much work, especially for my birthday. Easy to get back on the horse next week.

But yeah, that social networking thing? Crazy. Two days out, I already feel the pangs of it. In the elevator at work, I didn't reflexively click to Twitter on my phone. I turned off SMS updates from everybody -- no Tweets, no MySpace messages, nada. My phone has been eerily silent.

I'm not sure I dislike it.

But anyway, kind of introspective this week. I didn't get forty mil like Conan, but I'm okay, a year older and hopefully getting a little smarter as I go.

Playing (Music): "All The Above" by Maino feat. T-Pain

The Lost Buy Pile for December 30th, 2009 (Uncensored)

NOTE: It's not a big deal that CBR chose not to run my last Buy Pile column of 2009. I can count the weeks I've missed on two hands over the six plus years I've been doing this, so I was kind of peeved not to see it, but it's not like I was curing cancer or anything. Anyway, here it is, uncensored, in all its glory, CBR font tags left in because I'm too busy to fix it.

FRONT PAGE BLURB (yes, I write these as well)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, as the year ends with proof that Namor needs to flap his ankle wings, some of the year's worst comics and trying to brighten up Blackest Night. Happy New Year to you too, pal ...

THE COLUMN

WHAT IS THE BUY PILE?

Every week Hannibal Tabu (journalist/blogger/novelist/poet/karaoke host/jackass on Twitter) goes to a comic book store called Comics Ink in Culver City, CA (Overland and Braddock -- hey Steve, Jason, Vince and Quislet) and grabs a whole lotta comics. These periodicals are quickly sorted (how?) into two piles -- the "buy" pile (a small pile most weeks, comprised of planned purchases) and the "read" pile (often huge, often including comics that are really crappy but have some value to stay abreast of). Thursday afternoons you'll be able to get his thoughts (and they're just the opinions of one guy, so calm down) about all of that ... which goes something like this ...

NOTE: There was only one new comic book sold in US comics shops this week due to reasons both complicated and stupid. Let's never speak of them again. So here's that ... and a few surprises ...

THE BUY PILE FOR DECEMBER 30TH, 2009

Blackest Night #6 (DC Comics)

Jump from the Read Pile. The only book sold on the last week of 2009 ... and it stinks. What's weird is that it doesn't stink in the big, showy way that the previous issue did. No, it goes about it in a workmanlike fashion, dutifully doing ridiculous things and pacing them through the narrative as though they shouldn't be the root cause for relentless mockery.

Why? Okay, let's get into that. First of all, Barry Allen grabs Hal Jordan's green power ring-created chain and runs fast enough to travel "two seconds into the future" to make the Black Lantern rings seeking their resurrected flesh. Wait, what? So ... the "emotional reaction" to Blackest Night Batman ... can be outrun? "As long as we don't jump out of our boots again," Allen said, "the rings won't have anything to grab onto" (no, that's not a word, let's not even get into that, the editors are overworked for the love of pie).

Then there's the weird technology side. A Black Lantern treated being possessed by Boston Brand like he was a digital virus and ejected him. Ganthet made some weird notation and alleged that all the rings are "all based on Oan technology" and "contain the same safeguard." Really? So when the Weaponers of the anti-matter world of Qward made those babies, they followed specs from Oa? Given that the Weaponers hated Oa and GLs in particular? Lemme see, I hate cars, lemme make this metal vehicle with four wheels in a rectangular pattern and send it out to battle them. Really? Wow.

Add in the stunt casting (more fantasy ball versions of "who gets a ring?"), another "color change" that was all too easy and a weird cover gallery of what look like "undead" issues of cancelled series, brought back to feed the crossover ... ugh. It's just distasteful, and ends the year on a bad note.

Wait, the book stinks ... why buy it? Well, it was (again) the only book on sale this week, and supporting your local comics shop is important. There's also ... well, we're getting ahead of ourselves. We'll discuss the other motives for wanting to be in the shop (and therefore supporting it) momentarily ...

WHAT'S THE PROGNOSIS

There were two freebies from the Mouse House of Ideas, "Origins of Siege" (which really has Norman Osborn playing out of his depth alongside some cute one page origin stories which simplify a great deal) and Marvel's 2010 calendar, with ads for a clearly reassembled Avengers (classic style), "Fall of the Hulks" and so on, but without art credits on the pin ups. Meh.

So ... four dollar stinker, meh freebies ... the end of 2009 is as bad as the Buy Pile's trusty smartphone falling down the stairs on the way in and breaking irrevocably. *sigh*

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Ah, here's where it gets interesting.

If you've kept up with the commentary tracks for this column (running over at The Hundred and Four, you'd know about the showdown between a school teacher and a lawyer over whether or not Namor needs to flap the wings on his ankles to fly.

First, back it up. Early in 2009, in a store full of customers on a Wednesday, The Counselor brought up the idea that Namor needed to flap the aforementioned ankle wings to fly. This was widely mocked and laughed at, especially given that The Counselor (a successful divorce lawyer) had apparently gotten housed on a Legion of Super-Heroes related discussion involving Quislet some time before. This time, however, he was determined. Week after week he came back, quoting some obscure panel ("Daredevil" this, Matt Cherniss' mini series that) and was rebuffed, ultimately given the word from another Comics Ink employee (Vince Moore of Comics Waiting Room fame) that a John Byrne panel proved Namor was just a crazy man in panties and could fly any darned well time he felt like it, flapping or no flapping.

However, Vince turned out to be the Kato Kaelin of this case, because further examination of the entirety of Byrne's Namor run (and that takes either dedication or insanity) proved that Vince had misread and misquoted and has since been shunned and mocked like the guy two guys back who climbed off of Madonna. The Counselor was given a new trial before an appellate court (presided over by this columnist with a jury of whoever comes in the shop for this madness) but had to present his case on a Wednesday before the end of 2009.

So ... well, it all went down today and it was big. Wrestlemania big. The Counselor stood with a stack of evidentiary exhibits, an eight page brief on his case and a fresh suit. The defense, a degenerate in deadbeat's clothes, simply flustered and tried to get his leather vest not to chafe. It was crazy. The whole PDF may go online, depending on how some emails might go. Keep watching that blog for updates (and videos, if we can get them off of Facebook). It's hard to try to encapsulate being there for such a show of comics scholarship (one of the finest examples this reviewer has ever seen that didn't involve the named Waid or Busiek), fanwankery (as he doesn't get paid for this) or sheer awesomeness (the wonderful juxtaposition of the two). Simply an outstanding moment to love comics and more than makes up for ... well, "Blackest Night" #6.

That's winners. Losers? Well, let's look at some of the worst comic books of 2009 ...

- "Ambush Bug Year None" #7, which actually seemed to hate the fans more than the last issue of "Wanted."

- "Captain America: Reborn" #4, with the Red Skull ... look, we can't even talk about it in detail because Cap's running around and the last issue of this mini still hides in the Mouse House of Ideas.

- "Adventure Comics" #5, which literally took Superboy Prime into the offices of DC Comics in a move so goofily meta that it made "Ex Machina" look like Tolstoy.

- "Fantastic Four" #567, with the dream sequence and the "Marquis of Death" and really, what's up with this run being so terrible, since "Nightly News" alone proved Jonathan Hickman's a freaking genius?

There were lots of bad comics -- "Nomad: Girl Without a World" leaps to mind, or maybe "Titans" as examples of books that hate America and hate puppies -- but these four were so abysmal that even cursory glances over the reviews in question could cause nausea.

So there's that. Happy new year, pal.

THE BUSINESS

Got a comic you think should be reviewed in The Buy Pile? If we get a PDF of a fairly normal length comic (i.e. "less than 64 pages") by no later than 24 hours before the actual issue arrives in stores (and sorry, we can only review comics people can go to stores and buy), we guarantee the work will get reviewed, if remembered. Physical comics? Geddouttahere. Too much drama to store with diminishing resources. If you send it in more than two days before comics come out, the possibility of it being forgotten increases exponentially.

There are now two official ways to get Hannibal Tabu's blog-related wisdom. For all personal things, there's Hannibal's relaunched Soapbox and for his views on the weird, wild world there's The Hundred and Four.

Playing (Music): "Hard" by Rihanna feat. Young Jeezy ('cause that Hannibal reign just won't let up)

Commentary Track: The Buy Pile for November 25, 2009

First of all, let's be completely clear: this joint was done Thursday morning. Some little known holiday made CBR's leadership wanna hold off posting that day. Didn't stop Bleeding Cool, but they're from England, where Warren Ellis said, "Here in Britain, of course, it's 'Thank F**k We Got Those Weird Jesus Bastards On The Boat Day.'" I have no beef at all with that.

Anyway, on to the reviews.

I will say that for all the talk about Ultimate War Machine's capacity, I'd like to see some of that happen -- if his chest beam can level a major city, I need to see a major city leveled. It's like the old saying about drama -- if you see a gun in the first act, it has to be fired before the final curtain calls. Let's give Ultimate War Machine a chance to shine one day soon, shall we?

People think I hate Brian Michael Bendis. To be honest, people think I hate a lot of stuff that I just barely pay attention to. In any case, I've been critical of a lot of Bendis comics for the same reason I'm critical of some of Jeph Loeb comics or Warren Ellis comics or Jonathan Hickman comics or Peter David comics. I know they can do better. I can go pick up Batman: The Long Halloween or Transmetropolitan Vol. 01: Back on the Street or The Nightly News or Incredible Hulk Visionaries - Peter David, Vol. 6 (do you have six plus volumes of anything in print calling you a "visionary?" Me neither ... I should get to work on that) and point out, panel by panel, how they can do better. Every page won't be our best, but I need for the disparity to be less striking.

So when I pick up an issue like this, or some of his Dark Avengers stuff, where the script really hauls ass and the art keeps pace, I give praise where it's due. I have nothing personal against anybody in comics. Not the major company editor who acted like I was gonna rob them when I asked a question at SDCC one year, not the major company writer who's reputed to toss racial slurs around in casual conversation, nobody. I have artistic beefs with some people, and in some cases (one leaps to mind, as I see his Twitter updates) was settled quite impressively and said creative person has upped the game a hundredfold. I like that. Moving forward, doing better. It's tough love, but love nonetheless. Never forget I freaking love comics.

Moving on: I would tune in every single week if Chew were on TV. I've made many death threats against its writer John Layman (most of which were jokes), I've participated in his foolish blog challenge, and so on. But beneath the cloud of questionable smoke and the dazed look in his eye, he's actually pretty talented, and Chew is a great showcase for the twisted, multi-layered humor-slash-action-slash-drama style he has honed into something great. However, saying all that, the comic's good, but it's not "oh my god" good. There were a few issues that elicited such a reaction, ones where I re-read it and was like, "I can't believe this!" But most are just below that point, and I need that in a title like this which can allow Layman to be quirky without really needing to go very far with it.

A similar concern happens with Star Wars: Legacy. In my brain, I want so badly for this series to be good. I honestly want every Star Wars book to be a guaranteed purchase -- ditto for G.I. Joe and Transformers. These are, for better or worse, part of mu cultural inheritance, etched into the permacrete of my upbringing like tagger's legacies in the sidewalk. The threshhold between "good" and "great," to me, is the difference in what I'd watch on TV because it's tolerable and it's on and the stuff I watch with fervor, working hard to sit down with it and pay attention. If I'm happy to multi-task while it's on, it's not good enough to pay for, and the same goes for comics (although I can't multi-task while reading comics, or I'd get a lot more done).

While I'm at it, the same goes for Immortal Weapons this week, Criminal, Son of Hulk, Wildcats, Wonder Womanand probably a few more.

Now, for the SPOILERS. I dunno if Dove's white light shtick showed her as the first of the "White Lanterns" or not (now appearing all over Idaho), but the idea that all life comes from white light and all death from black light sounds like the same old 3rd Bass complaints. "Black cats is bad luck, bad guys wear black/ Must have been a white guy who started all that." (Fun fact, MC Serch is white, which is why I love using that line -- that sort of thing and singing rock music at karaoke are as close as I'm likely to get to reparations). Better yet, as Ras Kass said, "Black is the combination of all colors/White is the lack thereof/Darkness is beneath the ground, and in the skies up above." That's just science. So that stuck in my craw pretty badly.

I can't say how excited I am about the new Dingo comic that's coming from Boom! Studios. I read the original novel when it was chapters in a dude's blog and remember anxiously waiting for the next installment to drop. I'm so pumped, because I already read the preview PDF and I'm seriously walking right in and buying that bastard. Such a great story.

I've talked a lot about The Untamed #1 from Stranger Comics (and yes, I'm sorry about the Flash, it's so not my idea and/or fault) which is coming up, but it hits stores next week and I'm very jazzed about it -- and not just because I'm working with the publisher. It's a mean spirited dark fantasy set in a world that's equal parts Kurosawa, Tolkien and Sergio Leone. I love the tone of it and the pacing's measured, not slow. Due to the conflict of interest, I won't review it next week (I read the first two or three issues months ago) but I didn't wanna let it go unheralded.

That'll do for now. Have a good weekend.

Playing (Music): "The Professional" by Black Thought