Ask Away (Super NSFW)

If you can find something online today that's funnier than this ...

... then you can hush my mouth and call me an African American. I'm not just saying that because of the role I played in its creation.

Today my wondrous wife launched her ... what could you call it? Web show? Advice column? Window into whimsy? Whatever -- Ask Supasista is completely NSFW and it's a freaking scream. I figured that if I was still laughing at things after hearing them over and over while she edited this (she refuses to wear headphones ... you'll see why), then that's hitting the mark.

Feel free to check it out and let her know what you think.

Playing (Music): "Set Me Free" by Lloyd feat. Mystikal

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, April 23, 2010

Every week I do a column full of comic book reviews as I've done since March 2003 and currently published at Comic Book Resources. Then, after the reviews post, I try to come over to my blog and expand on the thoughts and ideas listed there. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's gibberish, but it's always about comics ... let's see what we get this week!

What? This week's reviews ...

Heavy metal: I want all of the accumulated Marvel handbooks online and searchable, or at least all on CD-ROM and searchable. I want this yesterday. Honestly, I want it on my phone so I can settle stupid arguments in the wild, like this week when some poozer who didn't even buy anything came in to debate why Superman could be naturally well defined in muscle tone despite the fact that there's little that could give him enough resistance to resemble a workout. Let's just move on, as I don't have much to say about the Iron Manual that I didn't already say. Okay ... seriously, 330MB for the brain of a Dreadnought? Really? Those things are supposed to have pulled off bipedal locomotion, and they're almost as dumb as a Nokia 6010. Wow.

Uh oh, it's magic ... I introduced a new verb into the comics lexicon this week -- "Supergod." Definition: when a single narrator sits down and yammers, attempting to illuminate story points while revealing elements of his own character through asides and dialogue. Example: "I liked it when Lloyd kept Supergodding his story in that Phonogram issue because the meta-meta textual visuals were blowing my wig back." It can be done well or badly. Oddly enough, in Supergod, it's not done so well. Ironic, perhaps. Anyway, Gravel does a bit of that with his "war stories" as did Shuri in "Doomwar" and it worked ... well, better than it does in Supergod because the characters have had some time to settle in to the readers' consciousness in previous issues. It's also funny that Elephantmen tried this, as with chances of a movie adaptation heating up I believe a celluloid treatment would do a Wanted here, making a film that works better than its comic source material.

Speaking of magic (sort of), apparently the words "Felicia Day" and "The Guild" mean something to somebody. Or so I was told as I read this week's issue. No idea what that's all about. Probably doesn't matter.

TV good, microwaves bad: Here's the thing about the Honorable Mention section: if this stuff were even 75% cheaper, I'd buy most of it. Really. I pick up every single issue of every single comic book I review, wanting to like it. The high failure rate there is all the more tragic, but whatever. So yeah, I'd totally even watch the likes of Azreal, Transformers, Guardians of the Galaxy, G.I. Joe, R.E.B.E.L.S. and Ultimate Comics Avengers on Hulu. But the cost's too high for anything more, in my mind, and if I stopped doing my column, I'd just buy fewer comics.

Maybe its the "classic" LSH fan in me, but the embers of emotion between the relentlessly jerky Braniac 5 (which I love about this generation's depictions of him, it fits so well) and the relentlessly clueless Supergirl (seriously, she's loathsome) kind of made me go "aww" a little. I honestly felt the same way about Peter Parker and Carol Danvers, who would be the next stupendously gorgeous girl to fall into his arms (even Betty Brant was okay by 616 standards). He can't complain so much when he can honestly say he bedded MJ, Gwen Stacy, et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum. But yeah, you can weave that kind of actual emotional tension into a book and still have punching. Just handle the balance better (Spidey's punching was parenthetical, Supergirl's punching was ineffectual) and it can go home with me.

Firestar, Jade ... I'd be okay if they took dirt naps. Long, eternal dirt naps, not this Piotr Rasputin madness. If they went over the cliff while riding in Prowl, that'd be fine as well. If they ran down the Forbush Man on the way, it'd be heavenly. Just saying.

It's okay, I'm drunk too: Apparently last week, I completely hosed Secret Six #20. My bad. Here's the review I should have written ...

Secret Six #20 (DC Comics)

Catman is going off the reservation. With his baby being hung off a balcony like he was called Blanket, he's at the mercy of criminals and millionaires ... or is he? In his rage, a whole new level of Catman is shown, stepping farther away from the Oliver Queen-beaten shlub of the past into a standard where he can stand next to your Bronze Tigers and Creotes comfortably. Once again a rift splits the team along surprising lines and it's hard to believe Gail Simone can write this brilliantly while still turning in those tedious Wonder Woman scripts. This is more of the mean-spirited good times that put this series on the map.

There ya go. Sorry for the delay.

Bed now.

Watching (CBS.com): How I Met Your Mother, "The Home Wrecker"

The Denzel Washington Venn Diagram

I think I'm going nuts for venn diagrams ...

I want something like this for Robin Williams

... and yes, I am a crazy person. Carry on. Image courtesy of Geekweek (and I may post another from there).

Playing (Music): "Hot Night" by Meshell Ndegeocello feat. Talib Kweli

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, April 15, 2010

Every week I do a column full of comic book reviews as I've done since March 2003 and currently published at Comic Book Resources. Then, after the reviews post, I try to come over to my blog and expand on the thoughts and ideas listed there. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's gibberish, but it's always about comics ... let's see what we get this week!

What? This week's reviews ...

It's tricky: The more I think about Siege: Loki from Gillen and McKelvie (and Fairbairn), the more I like it. The casual way Loki sat, one leg hanging down, on a bank of clouds. His theatrical flair for sweeps of his cloak or bows. His smirk in the reader's direction as he plays Goblin. Outstanding character work Branagh and company would do well to study.

Also, did he boink Hela? Well played, sir.

Mecha Move: Hellcyon is more serious than it looks and more fun than it should be. The kineticism is almost enough to carry the book on its own (loved the part with the trains). I might get called on for its literary credibility, but a) I think Jack McKinney's Robotech novels are works of genius and b) shut up.

Cibopaths, barbarians, the not-so-immortal bard and white power: I'faith, I really wanted to love Kill Shakespeare, but it was too busy patting itself on the back for its own cleverness to move the narrative onward. It was more fun reading the website than it was reading the comic book. That's a shame. My ambition is that this picks up speed quickly (just like my dawg Craig says of Lost, "I wanna see Juliet!") and never looks back. It's almost harder when I like the high concept, because wrong steps seem so much larger.

I'm actually very sorry I didn't have time to get to that Wolfskin book.

The Eisner nomination for Chew is well deserved (even though I don't regularly buy the book) and I want to say congratulations to Rob Guillory and my oft-times con archenemy/drinking buddy John Layman. I think part of my problem here is the same reason I had to drop out of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I can appreciate the craft and the skill in the presentation, but the content makes my insides go wiggly. Hard to reconcile that, for me at least. Still great, creative, original comics ... even though I could do with more about the beets.

Let me be clear: the Human Target comic is as good as the show. However, I watch the show for free on Hulu. It's not good enough for me to spend my actual money on it.

If there were more of a story, "Brightest Day" could have been a "meh." I get that the people who work at DC are so insulated (from, say, Earth) that they don't see how a book promoting "white power" (both in terms of the actual story mechanism and the preponderance of the resurrected personages) could bristle some branches. Their history with diverse characters showcases that ("Atlantean" is not really a visually differentiated race, especially in DC). I just find Aquaman skinny dipping or Hank Hall (really? Just gonna brush past that whole Extant thing?) beating people up or Martian Manhunter unironically eating chocolate cookies with icing in the middle rather tepid. I also don't wanna be "that guy," which is why I let the "white power" jokes come from the store clerk Quislet (who's Jewish) instead of from me. I have enough problems.

Flash facts: Yes, there's been some slight jealousy over the nerd bling ...

For much girthier fingers than mine, apparently ...

Hey, hey, hey ... it's not what you think. I punched Tax Hitler in the face and stole his ring! You can't prove I paid for this! No, you shut up!

Also, yes, I'm aware of his many other names (Other Isaac, Earth 2 Isaac, M.O.D.O.I. and his preferred "Isaac Olmos"), but none of them have the sheer catchiness of "Tax Hitler." Der Taxenfuhrer marches on ... (no, I won't explain this joke any more, you really had to be there).

The mouse is used with my left hand largely due to too many hours playing Street Fighter during my wasted (and possibly wastrel) yout' in high school. Also, I don't use a mouse pad at work because I'm tired of having them stolen. Move on!

Off you go.

Playing (Music): "Hot Potato" by Freestyle Fellowship

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, April 8, 2010

Every week I do a column full of comic book reviews as I've done since March 2003 and currently published at Comic Book Resources. Then, after the reviews post, I try to come over to my blog and expand on the thoughts and ideas listed there. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's gibberish, but it's always about comics ... let's see what we get this week!

What? This week's reviews ...

Whoo! Had some fascinating meetings this week (gotta get that money, mayne), streamlined my process in terms of how I do my data management (on Friday, you'll see my review and why I love, love, love the Nokia N900) and -- oh yeah -- read some comics. Let's talk about that.

Oh, before we start, if you're looking for my admittedly harsh criticism of Blackest Night, there ya go. Let's move on.

Story Time; I can't believe people still ask me, "So, Fables, is that worth picking up?" Literally, yesterday, at a meeting with some entertainment industry types, a guy asked me that. To be fair, I also put him up on Transmetropolitan, a modern classic, so it is what it is. Anyhoo, despite the fact that Jack of Fables is drifting around like a car where the driver got tranq darted, this magical espionage mini might have scared you between issues 4 and 5 about where it was going, but it's freaking brilliant, a perfect self-contained story that leaves itself open to sequels, prequels and whatever else. Cinderella's one heck of a compelling character, with a Michael Weston-esque matter of factness mixed in with the horny irreverence of a Neil Caffrey. I'd love to see more applications of her, even though the current Fables storyline is writ a bit too large for her brand of intimate work.

Cherchez La Ghost: I know this dude Lalo Martins promised to email me about why this series is inaccurate in depicting everyday life in China, but I have yet to see him or anybody else do so. In the mean time, I'm completely enjoying Tony Bedard's work here, which is like a freaking instructional class on "how to introduce brand new characters and an environment the fans don't know." I'm engrossed in this story, these characters and the setting. Adding the political twist made it all the more delicious.

Sanguine Stuff: Sith, Spies and Shooting I really, really, really wanted to buy Star Wars Purge: Hidden Blade. Jedi-killing Vader one-shots. The promised depiction of how he almost singlehandedly extinguished the light of the Jedi from the galaxy. Vader never stepped up here, the coloring was too wishy washy ... there were problems. You should know how I tried to make it work, though, because I love the idea of Vader slicing through his problems. It's why I play the opening scene of Star Wars: Force Unleashed again and again.

Nemesis' interlude in crazytown was good in the first Impostors issue but is dragging things down now. You've gotta shake that off your leg and keep moving, Tom Tresser! Also: how does it feel to be the guy Wonder Woman was ready to give it to, but you said no? Dude! DUDE!

When Batman stood down to Red Robin, that was a moment I really enjoyed. More moments like that, please. If a comic can make me go "hh" or react emotionally (except, say, hatred or revulsion or sadness) thrice, I'll normally buy it. You hit me once, and maybe a half on Tam Fox. Work harder, please. Actually, I'll say the same exact thing for G.I. Joe: Origins, which almost made me forget the Wayans-osity of today's Wallace Weems.

Back it up: the same way I tried to love that Vader book, I put the same effort into Captain America/Black Panther: Flags of Our Fathers. T'chaka didn't get enough time to shine, the Americans got too much (using the Black soldier as a framing device was cute, but Wakanda's mystery is as elusive as Cavill's "plan" -- show us behind the curtain).

The line between Codebreakers and A-Team: Shotgun Wedding is super thin. A panel here or there goes differently and they could have switched places.

DC Comics, listen to me: you need to hire more editorial support. Before he was unceremoniously let go, Bob Shreck told me about how you kept piling on work and diminishing resources. Your editors are human beings. They need help. You can't blame "The Return of Bruce Wayne Begins Here" appearing on the cover of Batman and Robin #10 and #11 on Grant Morrison's drug problem. That happened in y'all's house. Clean it up, please.

Hope from Second Coming isn't interesting enough to talk about ... although the hair brush bit was a nice touch.

Also: Fun fact: I wrote an April Fool's opening of The Buy Pile last week, trying to write ... as Bizarro (the poem I was writing about him had me going). It didn't run. I'm not mad. Here it is.

WHAT IS THE SELL PILE?

Every week Hannibal Tabu (journalist/blogger/novelist/poet/jackass on Twitter) looks on the internet to see what comic books will come out that week, then avoids ever seeing them, instead deciding to review them based on his psychic impressions alone. Then his opinions are telepathically shared with thousands of people around the world, who go out and buy the books he believes in, and for kicks he prints reviews about them on this website for recordkeeping purposes. That farce goes a little something like this ...

THE SELL PILE FOR APRIL 1ST, 2010

Blackest Night #8 (DC Comics)
Jump from the Buy Pile. This am one of mankind's finest literary accomplishments. Ideas am making so much sense that it feels like hug from gramma. Developments for Hal Jordan, Sinestro, Nekron, Anti-Monitor and so many others were so not stupid that they should seem obvious to no one at all. Everyone in whole world will love this issue with no reservations, finding no inconsistencies at all ...

Okay ... it's April Fool's Day, and we tried. Bizarro comics reviews, ha ha ha ... there was just no maintaining this farce. Trying to review the worst book as though it were the best ... it's just not right. The joke didn't work, let's just do this the normal way ...

Behave.

Playing (Music): "Billionaire" by Travis McCoy feat. Bruno Mars

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, March 25, 2010

Every week I do a column full of comic book reviews as I've done since March 2003 and currently published at Comic Book Resources. Then, after the reviews post, I try to come over to my blog and expand on the thoughts and ideas listed there. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's gibberish, but it's always about comics ... let's see what we get this week!

What? This week's reviews ...

Remember that weird week a while back where I didn't dislike anything? This week was the opposite. Nothing was really catching my imagination. Weird.

Anyway, since that's all crap and I'm gonna take a whole blog to dissect Blackest Night some time in the next few weeks (in theory, don't hold me to it if I forget) let's look at Mark Millar's Nemesis.

I want to be on board for this. I'm the first one who says that Batman is a freaking psychopath. Billionaires with hangups don't put underwear on the outside of their fetish suits and go kick people in the face late at night in dark alleys. They spend their money making the world see things their way. The penchant for punching and young boys ... that's just some freak stuff, dude, no matter how you slice it.

Which is not to say that I think Batman isn't awesome, because he is. By sheer will, more than any Green Lantern, he has been the linchpin of galaxy-spanning events more than once. He's an amazing character. He just happens to be a dangerously repressed psychopath as well.

So the idea of a Bruce Wayne that has no repression, that he's having all the fun that the Joker has ... that's an intoxicating concept to me. So when I see it played out in the same shock-value decompressed style that made Kick-Ass tedious for me ... meh.

Now, people will be quick to call me a "hater" because despite my negative opinions, Millar's making a lot of money doing things this way. Which is fine -- I recognize that I am not the audience for every piece of content. I'm not gonna mitigate my desire to call shenanigans on it anyway.

I needed about fifty percent more content (details, character elements, plot points, whatever) to say the really enticing idea got properly executed. Failing that, I'd need more visuals like the bits with the train. As seen ... sorry, short of the mark, for me anyway.

Also: it would have been easy to just lift store clerk Quislet's whole shtick about Thaal (really? Thaal?) Sinestro being Space Hitler, now fueled by "pure" white power ... but people already think I'm that guy ... you know what? Let's save that for the "mediocrity" blog. That'll do for now.

Playing (music): "Take Over The World" by Kids in the Hall

UPDATED: The Reign of the Mediocre (The Music Edition)

Apologies to and appreciation for the illustrious and praiseworthy Nikki Blak, who inspired this meme.

Urgh.

I work hard not to be a hater. For real!

It's not because I believe the hype against haters (from songs I love like Maino's "Hi Haters" or Chamillionaire's "Good Morning"). On the contrary, if anybody appreciates the beauty and possibility contained in hatred, it's me ... well and Neil Tennant.

However, I have to deal with the dichotomies of my everyday experience. I listen to a lot of music and read a lot of comic books, blessedly for professional purposes (one of my friends said that all of my hobbies end up making me money) and I'm overcome by one common thread: "exemplary" is not only rare, but not even a big deal to the mass market. I say this not in the mind of the Wired article but in terms of literal mediocrity becoming the new standard for excellence.

To wit, I'll offer up two examples from each genre, each in its own blog. In music, I offer this guy ...

Yes, he's wearing a tweed baseball cap.

If you were one to believe the hype, you'd have the perception that Aubrey Drake Graham was one of the most amazing musicians in the field. He sings! He raps! He acts! He's sold a mountain of records and became a national phenomenon, getting huge radio play and big-name collaborations before he even had a record deal! He's the whole package!

On paper, that all sounds fine and dandy. However, in reality, there are some chinks in this publicity-spawned armor. Drake's singing? He has a range so limited it can't even rove, comprised of maybe five whole notes, all of which sound like a kind of droning dirge.

Let's try his rapping on for size. The following is his verse from his huge collaboration single "Forever" ....

Last name ever,
first name greatest,
like a sprained ankle boy, ain't nothing to play with,
it started off local
but thanks to all the haters,
I know G4 pilots
on a first name basis,
and your city faded off to brown -- Nino
she insists she got more class -- we know!
swimming in the money come and find me -- Nemo
if I was at the club you know I balled -- chemo
drop the mixtape that sh** sounded like an album
who'd have thought a country wide tour would be the outcome?
labels want my name beside the X like Malcolm
everybody got a deal, I did it without one,
yeah n**** I'm about my business,
killing all these rappers you would swear I had a hit list,
everybody who doubted me is asking for forgiveness,
if you ain't been a part of it at least you got to witness,
b****es,

From the simplistic lyrical cadences to the predictable rhyme patterns, from faux hardness to uncreative and pointless uses of profanity, this is less than stellar work. The best line, "everybody got a deal, I did it without one" is about all I could recommend here, and that on sheer gumption. I've been reviewing and writing about urban and hip hop music since 1993. I've seen "amazing" and this ain't it. His pacing is elementary, his stylings are lackluster at best, his voice doesn't command respect.

Moreover, he got shown up on this very song by Eminem's verse ...

There they go, packin' stadiums as Shady spits his flow,
nuts they go, macadamia they go so balistic yo,
we can make them look like bozos he's wondering if he should spit this slow,
f*** no, go for broke, his cup just runneth over oh no
he ain't had a buzz like this since the last time he overdosed,
they've been waiting patiently for Pinnochio to poke his nose,
back into the game and they know,
rap will never be the same as before,
bashing in the brains of these hoes,
and establishing a name as he goes,
the passion and the flame is ignited,
you can't put it out once we light it,
this sh** is exactly what the f***
I'm talking about when we riot,
you're dealin with a few true villians
whose staying inside of the booth truth spillin'
and spit true feelings til our tooth fillings come flying up out of our mouths
now rewind it
payback muthaf****r for the way you got at me so how's it taste?
when I slap the taste out your mouth with the bass so loud that it shakes the place,
I'm Hannibal Lecter so just in case your thinking of saving face,
you ain't gonna have no face to save by the time I'm through with this place, so Drake ...

... which is absolute fire and obliterated everybody else (Kanye, who has some ability when he chooses to use it, and Lil Wayne, who's just this weird little gremlin thing that impregnates impossibly hot girls for reasons I can't fathom) on the track. I have heard this song start on the radio, flipped channels for what I thought was three verses, and come back just to hear this. Drake? Lyrics? Meh.

Don't believe me? Check the track for yourself, tell me where I'm wrong.

How about his acting? Well, thanks to the wonder of the internet, I don't have to sit through a whole episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation (even his show was derivative), when I can just post this wonderful snippet of video ...

He can walk! It's a miracle! Call the Emmy voters!

Not exactly Andre Braugher, is he? He's not even Andre the Giant.

Heck, I even had to copy/paste his name at the start of this blog because he's so boring to me I couldn't remember it long enough to switch tabs and type it. Why is that? I have a theory. Did you note that his bio says he's Canadian? That goes even further to prove my point, because how can somebody take a fictional character seriously? There's no such thing as Canadia! It's like Narnia or retirement.

Yet, if you'd believe the magazines and what not, this is the most phenomenal rapper out right now, pledging to keep music interesting until Lil Wayne gets out of prison. Hh. No thanks, I'm bumpin' that Malcolm and Martin right now.

I put this forth to you: the wholly mediocre musician, a completely synthesized media creation without enough merit to even stand shoulder to shoulder with names legitimately worthy of the word "great," held up to the masses as some outstanding example of the form. Unacceptable.

Next time? Blackest Night -- brace yourselves.

Playing (Music): "Window Seat" by Erykah Badu

UPDATED! As if to reinforce my position, XXL magazine has given Drake and rapless wonder Nicki Minaj the May 2010 cover. "Rap royalty?" These half-wits? Then no fewer than three other sites hyped it up? "I fear for the republic ..."