Commentary Track for The Buy Pile, January 27th 2009

This week's reviews were kind of like wading through hip deep mud, but it's better than actually wading through hip deep mud for reasons of cleanliness and coolness. Plus, a bad day reading comics is better than a good day doing real work, or so I've always believed.

So there was a handbook style issue this week, and people always ask me,"why do you buy all of these things?" I had to let somebody know once: buying handbooks is like buying the right to be right. When somebody says, "I know for a fact that D-Man guest starred in issue seven of Invincible Iron Man," or if they posit, "Well, everybody remembers how Spidey had sex with that chicken after he switched sides in 'Civil War,'" there's two ways you can shut them up. Have the actual issue or have a guidebook that tells them otherwise. It's an argument stopper, it's like having the old Encyclopaedia Britannica on the shelf and going to it every time there's an argument about aardvarks (and really, how many of us haven't had an argument about aardvarks?) -- well worth the money. The mix of issues was weird this time -- leading with modern SHIELD-era stuff for Tony Stark and then stepping back in time for Rhodey's first weird War Machine run (which was similar tonally to the start of this incarnation) -- but it had its benefits. I was shocked with how little of the real character and flavor of Fraction's run translated in this cut and dry presentation when so much of, say, the Clone Saga's idiocy came shining through.

In any case, there's that. Also, Kurt Busiek and Brent Anderson's immersive Astro City experience is worth the ride, almost every time, even when it isn't. Yes, that didn't make sense. I have a newborn at home, shut up.

Lessee, event comics ... I still can't believe how badly things are going if the last issue of Captain America: Reborn hits stands after Steve Rogers has been shlepping around the 616 for a few issues, with Bucky still looking moon-eyed at his side. The "Avengers Reassembled" shtick (bring back Cap, rebuild Tony as a hero, bring back Thor from his exile) is superbly transparent in the face of Norman Osborn's much more interesting machinations (his flaws make "Dark Reign" work as well as it does, although when they get predictable it's easy to take a pass) but that's just the way it is like Bruce Hornsby was on deck.

Back when I was on Twitter (oh, you didn't know about my yearlong sabbatical from social networking spanning my 37th and 38th birthdays?), there was this one guy who would at-sign me the angriest, wildest stuff after my reviews hit, especially in regards to anything Green Lantern or "Blackest Night" related. I found it hilarious -- he didn't follow me, didn't wanna engage in dialogue, he just wanted to curse at me. As previously noted, that's just fine with me -- hate mail is awesome. Any passionate response to my work is fine, because there's such a thin line between love and hate (apologies to The Persuaders) -- indifference is what I hate to see.

So when I got Green Lantern #50 in my hands, I could just imagine veins throbbing on foreheads and frustrated grappling. It amused me a little, because given the tools at hand, it's hard to make a "Blackest Night" story I'd like. Me, I appreciate the more mature perspective of another, older comics writer, who emailed me once saying that he wished I liked some of his work more but he appreciated the directness of my opinions. It was nice because he appreciated that they are opinions. I can't guarantee that anything I write will help or hurt anybody's sales. I certainly don't know anybody personally to the point where I'd have that much of a vendetta against them (well, nobody in comics anyway). I may toss a lob towards the rowdier sections of the peanut gallery if I'm already deep in the "this won't work" grass, but that's largely for kicks. If there's anything the internet loves, it's hyperbole. Maybe even Hyperbole and a Half.

So that was the big event comics this week, what else happened? Oh, despite the fact that I'm most likely to run him over with a car (mostly kidding, that's actually Brandon Jerwa), John Layman's writing some interesting stuff in Chew that has a lot of fans talking. It's always close to the mark, and when it makes it, it's really a delight.

I was happy to see Prometheus back as the galaxy-class bad guy I respected when he whispered, "... here comes justice!" There's still something critically wrong with Justice League Elite, er, Justice League: Cry for Justice that never connects. It's partially Congorilla, admittedly, but Hal's self righteousness doesn't help. Prometheus took a lot longer to improvise when his Wikipedia stylings failed him than I expected, but his overall plan made it kind of all right. The fight scenes looked so stiff, though, and his actual plot was like an old 1980s Dr. Doom scheme -- even Doom's gotten smarter after all these years. Just saying ...

Another thing ... ooh, what's that shiny, gotta go ...

Watching (Hulu): White Collar "Bad Judgement"

Commentary Track for the January 20th, 2009 Buy Pile

There were a number of challenges with this week's column due to a variety of influences. It was my 37th birthday on Wednesday, and my normal inclination for my birthday is to stay in bed the entire day. That was unlikely, given that I drove my stepdaughter to and (if memory serves) from school and also had some interesting times with our new daughter Ella, who doesn't exactly sleep during what mortals call "night time." So, sleep deprivation, up front.

Then, I made the announcement that I was retiring, Jay-Z/Jordan style, from social networking for 365 days as of Wednesday, also. Given that, in many ways, I practically lived online, that was an amazing challenge to even consider, much less engineer. So there's all that.

Up until the last moment, I wasn't even sure I was gonna go buy comics. The comic store was, luckily but challengingly, not in my bed. It was also cold and nasty out. I may have been drunk. It's hard to remember. But, there were no fewer than three Buy Pile regulars, so out I went.

I really like the working class grit of Gravel and when Warren Ellis feels like it, he can turn out one hell of a procedural. Toss into that his avowed and easily provable love for all things British and a dash of magic and murder, well, that's just good. I do wanna see more of the verve and sass that made the founding members of his Minor Seven, as the two that appeared here didn't do much, but otherwise I love the idea of "the king of all magic" being a kind of foot soldier who simply put one spell in front of another (yes, I'm wearing that metaphor out) until it all worked out. That's something I can relate to.

This crossover in Incredible Hercules is taking a little bit of time to get there. I said it. I love the interplay between Herc and the always entertaining Amadeus Cho (possibly even more as a hapless hero than as a nascent villain) and adding Athena and even a prepubescent Zeus to the mix was surprisingly effective. The creative tension there -- Amadeus' flustered charm, Hercules grinning certainty, the planning skills of Athena and Zeus' incredulity at it all ... that's good stuff. Really, though, the pacing could pick it up just a step.

Speaking of great ideas, Warren Ellis is chock full of them. Interdimensional flying vikings. Teleporting super powered busy female spy. How could you not love that? Ditto for Fables, which was good but likely also a little slow.

But to the meat of the matter -- no read pile? No bile and vitriol for anything, not even Transformers: Bumblebee or Phantom Stranger? No grudging nods for Incorruptible or Doctor Voodoo? Nah. Too much work, especially for my birthday. Easy to get back on the horse next week.

But yeah, that social networking thing? Crazy. Two days out, I already feel the pangs of it. In the elevator at work, I didn't reflexively click to Twitter on my phone. I turned off SMS updates from everybody -- no Tweets, no MySpace messages, nada. My phone has been eerily silent.

I'm not sure I dislike it.

But anyway, kind of introspective this week. I didn't get forty mil like Conan, but I'm okay, a year older and hopefully getting a little smarter as I go.

Playing (Music): "All The Above" by Maino feat. T-Pain

Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, January 14, 2010

The fact I was able to get through this week's reviews is something of a miracle, in that our beloved new daughter isn't letting anybody get much sleep. If I were around the house, I could easily sleep in the day with her, but that's when baba has to go out and make the money, so my shoulders hurt and so on.

However, if you're reading this blog, you probably don't care. You're in it for the comics. So let's get to that.

Somewhere I'm sure Christopher Priest is chuckling, as Jonathan Maberry's Black Panther is almost as political as the aforementioned Priest's, but in a more simplistic way and without the snark and caustic humor that made Priest such a critic's favorite and kryptonite for the "common" fan. Eschewing the idea of a "perspective" character (as they've morphed Everett K. Ross into more of a spook than a wonk the few times we see him), this is more of an action movie than the political thriller of Priest's day. Which isn't to say Maberry doesn't have his smarter edges -- I've said a lot of times that if the two Wakandan commentators could get a regular spot on Marvel.com, I'd read their takes on the 616 any day. But when you see the difference with Maberry's Hydro-man and the indistinct artwork on the Broker ... well, it's good, but it can make one nostalgic.

I am very pleased that both Marvel and DC are "chunking" their space-based characters and playing them off each other with personalities instead of powers, as it makes even the "read" weeks smarter. We can all use a little more "smart" in our lives. Vril Dox is once again the mickey fickey man, and any "non-powered" guy than can move Kanjar Ro and Despero around like chess pieces (remember, both of these guys have taken on the entire Trinity-powered JLA) he's doing a lot right.

When I read Tobey Maguire was out of the Spider-Man movie franchise, I thought, "maybe finally Spidey can be funny." Without fairly regular doses of his humor, I find the wall-crawler a drab character. I figure the percentage should be 75 percent laughs and 25 percent pathos. That sounds about right. This week's Amazing Spider-Man #617 got that right while making the original Rhino a man worth knowing. A great surprise.

Until the very last moment, S.W.O.R.D. #3 was on the Buy Pile. But times is hard, y'all, so choices had to be made and I needed to bring it in under a dub. However, if Mark Waid (that guy's busy these days) can keep fleshing out characters in Cyberforce/Hunter Killer while keeping the plots as interesting as that, he could have a Buy Pile contender on his hands. He keeps swinging and bunting on Strange, which is more cutesy than impressive (part of that may be the art and the coloring honestly) but the man's been proven to be super talented, so he's always worth a look if nothing else.

I'm too sleepy to go into my hatred for Galactica 1980 or my sadness at the ongoing Transformers series, but they're there. Just because I don't curse people out doesn't mean things don't suck.

Finally, sorry to everybody who's been sending email to my CBR account -- I again forgot it existed since ... something like November 16th. All relevant emails will be responded to.

All right, good luck with all that, I've gotta try and squeeze some productive time in this evening. Also, next Wednesday is my birthday, so no idea if I'll do reviews or not.

Playing (Music): "Think of Me" by Lloyd off his hot Young Goldie EP

The Lost Buy Pile for December 30th, 2009 (Uncensored)

NOTE: It's not a big deal that CBR chose not to run my last Buy Pile column of 2009. I can count the weeks I've missed on two hands over the six plus years I've been doing this, so I was kind of peeved not to see it, but it's not like I was curing cancer or anything. Anyway, here it is, uncensored, in all its glory, CBR font tags left in because I'm too busy to fix it.

FRONT PAGE BLURB (yes, I write these as well)

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, as the year ends with proof that Namor needs to flap his ankle wings, some of the year's worst comics and trying to brighten up Blackest Night. Happy New Year to you too, pal ...

THE COLUMN

WHAT IS THE BUY PILE?

Every week Hannibal Tabu (journalist/blogger/novelist/poet/karaoke host/jackass on Twitter) goes to a comic book store called Comics Ink in Culver City, CA (Overland and Braddock -- hey Steve, Jason, Vince and Quislet) and grabs a whole lotta comics. These periodicals are quickly sorted (how?) into two piles -- the "buy" pile (a small pile most weeks, comprised of planned purchases) and the "read" pile (often huge, often including comics that are really crappy but have some value to stay abreast of). Thursday afternoons you'll be able to get his thoughts (and they're just the opinions of one guy, so calm down) about all of that ... which goes something like this ...

NOTE: There was only one new comic book sold in US comics shops this week due to reasons both complicated and stupid. Let's never speak of them again. So here's that ... and a few surprises ...

THE BUY PILE FOR DECEMBER 30TH, 2009

Blackest Night #6 (DC Comics)

Jump from the Read Pile. The only book sold on the last week of 2009 ... and it stinks. What's weird is that it doesn't stink in the big, showy way that the previous issue did. No, it goes about it in a workmanlike fashion, dutifully doing ridiculous things and pacing them through the narrative as though they shouldn't be the root cause for relentless mockery.

Why? Okay, let's get into that. First of all, Barry Allen grabs Hal Jordan's green power ring-created chain and runs fast enough to travel "two seconds into the future" to make the Black Lantern rings seeking their resurrected flesh. Wait, what? So ... the "emotional reaction" to Blackest Night Batman ... can be outrun? "As long as we don't jump out of our boots again," Allen said, "the rings won't have anything to grab onto" (no, that's not a word, let's not even get into that, the editors are overworked for the love of pie).

Then there's the weird technology side. A Black Lantern treated being possessed by Boston Brand like he was a digital virus and ejected him. Ganthet made some weird notation and alleged that all the rings are "all based on Oan technology" and "contain the same safeguard." Really? So when the Weaponers of the anti-matter world of Qward made those babies, they followed specs from Oa? Given that the Weaponers hated Oa and GLs in particular? Lemme see, I hate cars, lemme make this metal vehicle with four wheels in a rectangular pattern and send it out to battle them. Really? Wow.

Add in the stunt casting (more fantasy ball versions of "who gets a ring?"), another "color change" that was all too easy and a weird cover gallery of what look like "undead" issues of cancelled series, brought back to feed the crossover ... ugh. It's just distasteful, and ends the year on a bad note.

Wait, the book stinks ... why buy it? Well, it was (again) the only book on sale this week, and supporting your local comics shop is important. There's also ... well, we're getting ahead of ourselves. We'll discuss the other motives for wanting to be in the shop (and therefore supporting it) momentarily ...

WHAT'S THE PROGNOSIS

There were two freebies from the Mouse House of Ideas, "Origins of Siege" (which really has Norman Osborn playing out of his depth alongside some cute one page origin stories which simplify a great deal) and Marvel's 2010 calendar, with ads for a clearly reassembled Avengers (classic style), "Fall of the Hulks" and so on, but without art credits on the pin ups. Meh.

So ... four dollar stinker, meh freebies ... the end of 2009 is as bad as the Buy Pile's trusty smartphone falling down the stairs on the way in and breaking irrevocably. *sigh*

WINNERS AND LOSERS

Ah, here's where it gets interesting.

If you've kept up with the commentary tracks for this column (running over at The Hundred and Four, you'd know about the showdown between a school teacher and a lawyer over whether or not Namor needs to flap the wings on his ankles to fly.

First, back it up. Early in 2009, in a store full of customers on a Wednesday, The Counselor brought up the idea that Namor needed to flap the aforementioned ankle wings to fly. This was widely mocked and laughed at, especially given that The Counselor (a successful divorce lawyer) had apparently gotten housed on a Legion of Super-Heroes related discussion involving Quislet some time before. This time, however, he was determined. Week after week he came back, quoting some obscure panel ("Daredevil" this, Matt Cherniss' mini series that) and was rebuffed, ultimately given the word from another Comics Ink employee (Vince Moore of Comics Waiting Room fame) that a John Byrne panel proved Namor was just a crazy man in panties and could fly any darned well time he felt like it, flapping or no flapping.

However, Vince turned out to be the Kato Kaelin of this case, because further examination of the entirety of Byrne's Namor run (and that takes either dedication or insanity) proved that Vince had misread and misquoted and has since been shunned and mocked like the guy two guys back who climbed off of Madonna. The Counselor was given a new trial before an appellate court (presided over by this columnist with a jury of whoever comes in the shop for this madness) but had to present his case on a Wednesday before the end of 2009.

So ... well, it all went down today and it was big. Wrestlemania big. The Counselor stood with a stack of evidentiary exhibits, an eight page brief on his case and a fresh suit. The defense, a degenerate in deadbeat's clothes, simply flustered and tried to get his leather vest not to chafe. It was crazy. The whole PDF may go online, depending on how some emails might go. Keep watching that blog for updates (and videos, if we can get them off of Facebook). It's hard to try to encapsulate being there for such a show of comics scholarship (one of the finest examples this reviewer has ever seen that didn't involve the named Waid or Busiek), fanwankery (as he doesn't get paid for this) or sheer awesomeness (the wonderful juxtaposition of the two). Simply an outstanding moment to love comics and more than makes up for ... well, "Blackest Night" #6.

That's winners. Losers? Well, let's look at some of the worst comic books of 2009 ...

- "Ambush Bug Year None" #7, which actually seemed to hate the fans more than the last issue of "Wanted."

- "Captain America: Reborn" #4, with the Red Skull ... look, we can't even talk about it in detail because Cap's running around and the last issue of this mini still hides in the Mouse House of Ideas.

- "Adventure Comics" #5, which literally took Superboy Prime into the offices of DC Comics in a move so goofily meta that it made "Ex Machina" look like Tolstoy.

- "Fantastic Four" #567, with the dream sequence and the "Marquis of Death" and really, what's up with this run being so terrible, since "Nightly News" alone proved Jonathan Hickman's a freaking genius?

There were lots of bad comics -- "Nomad: Girl Without a World" leaps to mind, or maybe "Titans" as examples of books that hate America and hate puppies -- but these four were so abysmal that even cursory glances over the reviews in question could cause nausea.

So there's that. Happy new year, pal.

THE BUSINESS

Got a comic you think should be reviewed in The Buy Pile? If we get a PDF of a fairly normal length comic (i.e. "less than 64 pages") by no later than 24 hours before the actual issue arrives in stores (and sorry, we can only review comics people can go to stores and buy), we guarantee the work will get reviewed, if remembered. Physical comics? Geddouttahere. Too much drama to store with diminishing resources. If you send it in more than two days before comics come out, the possibility of it being forgotten increases exponentially.

There are now two official ways to get Hannibal Tabu's blog-related wisdom. For all personal things, there's Hannibal's relaunched Soapbox and for his views on the weird, wild world there's The Hundred and Four.

Playing (Music): "Hard" by Rihanna feat. Young Jeezy ('cause that Hannibal reign just won't let up)

Failed Comics: Reasons

NOTE: I've been working on the idea of getting some comics done for many, many years. I've never gotten anything done, due to flaky artists, inconsistent publishing companies and not trying hard enough to make comics instead of, say, making money. This is one of my ideas, a short comic that was supposed to be a collaboration with a friend so we could have stuff to show at conventions, written back in early 2005. It may never get done. So be it. I can write stuff, though, and when I don't use it ... it's saddening. Go now, little comics script! Be free! As long as my name's on you!

PAGE ONE: One Panel

PANEL 1 - Opening scene, one panel splash. Perspective shot looking
down on a "bodega" styled corner store, with a square counter on the
lower left of the panel, open front door. Two POLICE OFFICERS are
near the right, one at the door watching the street, one looking at
gum near the counter. SHOPKEEPER stands pleasantly behind the
counter, reading the latest issue of PERSON magazine. It's bright
daylight outside, despite the streets being covered with snow, and
the store is crowded and a little bit dingy.

DIALOGUE:
TITLE: OUT OF CONTEXT: REASONS
TITLE: | WORDS: HANNIBAL TABU | VISUALS: [ARTIST NAME REMOVED TO PROTECT THE PERSON'S IDENTITY] |
CAPTION: (letterer, please place in lower right hand corner)
OUT OF CONTEXT CREATED BY HANNIBAL TABU, "OUT OF CONTEXT: REASONS"
CREATED BY HANNIBAL TABU AND [ARTIST NAME REMOVED TO PROTECT THE PERSON'S IDENTITY]
1 - POLICE OFFICER (nearer): YOU'RE OUTTA THE MIXED FRUIT
CERTS HERE ...

PAGE TWO: Three Panels

PANEL 1 - First of three long horizontal panels. Shows close up on POLICE OFFICER (near)'s hand, holding a pack of DENTYNE gum. He's in soft focus, while down the nearby aisle (there are three aisles in the bodega, leading to the back wall) you should see PRETTY GIRL (our Nicole Wray takeoff) reading the back of a box of POP TARTS with deep concentration while holding the stick of a lolly pop (which is in her mouth). She should be visible in profile, with all her curves visible, and her puffy bomber stopping just short of her waistline.

DIALOGUE:
1 - SHOPKEEPER: (from off panel) SO SORRY, WILL HAVE MORE ON TUESDAY.

PANEL 2 - Flip perspective, close up on PRETTY GIRL's hand, holding POP TARTS, seeing POLICE OFFICER (near) with his mouth hanging open slightly, looking at PRETTY GIRL. You should see the store's window, with "GROCERY/LOTTO" in reverse type in the glass, and large, thug looking BLACK GUYS walking by outside (we'll see them again on page nine) from right to left.

DIALOGUE:
2 - POLICE OFFICER (farther): (from off panel) HEY, DAVE! THEY GOT THOSE ICE GUM THINGS, LIKE ON TV?

PANEL 3 - Flip perspective back, close up on PRETTY GIRL's face, lolly pop pulled half way out of her mouth, with her lips still around the sphere of it, just a hint of her tongue visible on the bottom side. She's smiling a little, a plan glimmering in her droopy-lidded eyes, her gaze locked on POLICE OFFICER (near).

DIALOGUE:
3 - POLICE OFFICER (farther): (from off panel) DAVE?

PAGE THREE: Five Panels

PANEL 1 - Shown from right of POLICE OFFICER (near), PRETTY GIRL has already set down the Pop Tarts and is walking slinkily towards Police officer, swinging one arm and holding lolly pop stick in place with other hand, eyes looking him up and down. The camera angle should still show some of the grocery items on the aisle next to them (on his right and her left).

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PANEL 2 - PRETTY GIRL is standing directly in front of POLICE OFFICER (near), head bowed as she looks over her lashes at him coquettishly, while he smiles bashfully, rubbing the back of his neck with his left hand.

DIALOGUE:
1 - POLICE OFFICER (near): UH ...

PANEL 3 - Same panel and camera angle, except PRETTY GIRL is now looking over right shoulder of POLICE OFFICER (near) with a wide-eyed look of shock and fear.

DIALOGUE:
2 - POLICE OFFICER (near): MORNING ... WHAT ... WHAT IS IT?

PANEL 4 - POLICE OFFICER (near) turns and looks over his shoulder, doesn't hear soft clicking from direction of PRETTY GIRL.

DIALOGUE:
3 - POLICE OFFICER (near): DID YOU SEE SOMETHING?
EFX (soft): CLICK

PANEL 5 - Same angle from Panels 2 and 3, except now PRETTY GIRL has a Desert Eagle aimed at head of POLICE OFFICER (near). the Desert Eagle is a large freaking pistol, a .50 caliber handgun, and should look really big in her dainty hands, but she has no trepidation nor problem in controlling it.

DIALOGUE:
5 - POLICE OFFICER (near): ...

PAGE 4: One Panel

PANEL 1 - Single page splash, PRETTY GIRL pulls trigger, bullet explodes head of cop. I leave it to your discretion on how graphic to get, or if you wanna do an explosion effect and be subtle with it, as this is pretty much our "money shot" visual page.

DIALOGUE:
EFX: KA-BLAM!

PAGE 5: Five Panels

PANEL 1 - POLICE OFFICER (farther) panics, fumbling for his sidearm, standing just inside doorway. SHOPKEEPER is panicked as well, diving for cover behind the counter (which should be just barely in sight on left side of panel)

DIALOGUE:
1 - POLICE OFFICER (farther): JESUS, DAVE! FREEZE ...

PANEL 2 - Close cropped shot on PRETTY GIRL, drawing a bead on POLICE OFFICER (farther). Her right eye is closed as she aims through the pistol's sight with her left eye, and her tongue is sticking out the left side of her mouth, angling downwards, as she concentrates. You should, at this point, see her leaning slightly to her left (panel right) and be able to see the shoulder holster, one that holds the gun parallel to the ground instead of barrel down, hanging underneath her coat. POLICE OFFICER (near) should still be halfway down in his descent to the floor (which should show that all of this is happening very fast, your call on how much of this to show).

DIALOGUE:
2 - POLICE OFFICER (farther): ... DROP YOUR ...

PANEL 3 - Framed shot of POLICE OFFICER (farther) falling backwards, smashing into shelves on wall, filled with rows of canned vegetables (any generic east coast brand you're familiar with). In this panel, he's been shot at the base of his neck on his left hand side (panel right), with a spurt of blood flying out from the impact.

DIALOGUE:
EFX: KA-BLAM!
3 - POLICE OFFICER (farther): ... WEAP ... AAAAAGH!

PANEL 4 - Same camera angle, less than a second later, lots of cans falling down on POLICE OFFICER (farther), as a second shot blasts a hole into his head, his police cap falling harmlessly off to his right (panel left).

DIALOGUE:
EFX: KA-BLAM!
4 - POLICE OFFICER (farther): ... NO, GAAAAAH!

PANEL 5 - Camera angle switches to floor level, looking from stance of PRETTY GIRL through her knee-high laced boots (kind of like that James Bond poster with the girls legs framing the shot), seeing fallen body of POLICE OFFICER (near) on floor in foreground (two spent bullet casings should be resting on his body) and slumped body of POLICE OFFICER (farther), with grocery displays toppled, cans strewn everywhere, gum and sodas spilled on the floor. Outside the door you can almost make out the bustle of people running in fear from the tumult.

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PAGE SIX: Four Panels

PANEL 1 - Profile shot from slightly above and to the right of PRETTY GIRL, now holding her smoking Desert Eagle straight up and glancing to her left (away from the camera) at SHOPKEEPER cowering behind the counter. SHOPKEEPER is looking, wide eyed and shaking, at PRETTY GIRL.

DIALOGUE:
1 - STREET CHATTER: (from off panel) ... THE HELL WAS THAT?
2 - STREET CHATTER: (from off panel) ... FROM INSIDE THE STORE,
I ...
3 - STREET CHATTER: (from off panel) ... MAN, I'M GETTING THE
...

PANEL 2 - Straight on shot of PRETTY GIRL, head down, putting the Desert Eagle back in the holster. It's a shot that shows a lot of the definition of her torso -- taut abs, perky but not large breasts, slightly frayed edge of her tank top cutting off a half inch above her navel. A gold herringbone chain should also be visible, with a charm hanging from it that looks like the scales of a Libra, but with the left side dipping low. The shadow of her lolly pop stick should fall across the higher right side of the charm.

DIALOGUE:
4 - STREET CHATTER: (from off panel) ... THINK I HEARD SHOTS ...
5 - STREET CHATTER: (from off panel) ... BABY, I'M OKAY, JUST
...

PANEL 3 - Walking slinkily again, switching her hips, PRETTY GIRL is seen from the rear, walking out, now half way between the door and her point of origin. Her right hand holds the lolly pop, the left up in the air, and should be shown as the point of origin for a flung stack of bills, held in a rubber band, flying towards the counter.

DIALOGUE:
6 - PRETTY GIRL: SORRY ABOUT THE MESS.

PANEL 4 - Close up on the counter, with the stack of bills ($100 bills, folded once, wrapped in a wide rubber band) lying on the counter, SHOPKEEPER's bugged eyes just visible over the edge of the counter.

DIALOGUE:
7 - STREET CHATTER: (from off panel) ... THOUGHT I SAW SOME COPS ...

PAGE SEVEN: Six Panels

PANEL 1 - Two bundled people, I don't care what they look like. Close up, looking between their shoulders. One is holding the day's paper, which has a blown up shot of PRETTY GIRL holding the gun and glancing at the shopkeeper, on the front page under a headline that reads DIRTY HARRIET? Photo takes up four columns of the six column spread, and dominates center. Oh, and paper is folded in half. The two people should be talking to one another as they walk along a snowy street, one should be pointing concernedly to the photo while the other watches, frowning.

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PANEL 2 - Police locker room. Men of every ethnicity standing around in towels, half-in and half-out of uniform, and so on. In front of the locker closest to the reader, there's a bunch of flowers. One tubby Black officer, shaven headed and wearing just a towel and his wedding ring, should be looking at the flowers with dread. He should be standing in the image's foreground.

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PANEL 3 - Shot of the front of the bodega that started all this mess. SHOPKEEPER is closing up the store for the night, his breath a cloud of frosty air in front of his face, looking nervously over his shoulder as he fumbles with the padlock on the security door (one of those drop down metal numbers). You should just be able to make out a bulge under his coat that could be a gun. Snow is falling gently.

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PANEL 4 - Same shot, but from above, with a bespectacled old Asian woman looking down through a frosted window at SHOPKEEPER and clutching the chest of her shirt, scared for her own life. One hand, however, is reaching to drop down the curtains so she can shut off the world. The glow of her television behind her can be seen, illuminating the floral prints on her shirt and apron.

DIALOGUE:
CAPTION: ... NO CLOSER TO FINDING THE SHOOTER AFTER TWO DAYS ...

PANEL 5 - Community meeting, featuring brothers in dashikis with dreadlocks huddled together meaningfully, dookie-braided hoodrats trying to get their act together while they set out punch and sandwiches. A banner should hang in the background that should not be wholly visible, but if it were it would say "PEOPLE'S REVOLUTIONARY PARTY." In the foreground of the shot, a brother (who should look a lot like either me or you, I'm not picky) is sitting by himself in a row of folding chairs (there's two rows behind him, and rows ahead of him out of perspective), reading the paper.

DIALOGUE:
1 - BROTHER: (thoughtfully, to himself) HANDLE THAT, SIS ...

PANEL 6 - Grainy television, slanted slightly to the right, away from the reader. On the screen is a "LIVE" news report (pick a channel, I don't care) showing a middle aged guy in a black trench coat and gloves, gesticulating angrily at a listening crowd. The guy's behind a podium, with uniformed police forming a wall behind him. On screen he's identified as Mayor Don Fleet (feel free to base him on your own mayor if need be, or get creative).

DIALOGUE:
CAPTION: "... AND MAYOR FLEET VOWED JUSTICE WILL RETURN TO OUR STREETS ..."

PAGE EIGHT: One Panel

PANEL 1 - Full page splash, huge crowd scene/press conference on courthouse/city council steps (whatever big government building you have with steps, that's what we want), similar to scene on page seven panel one. TV cameras, reporters holding out tape recorders, boom microphones and tons of normal people crushed in, looking for answers. On the steps, there's a podium, behind which MAYOR FLEET speaks to the crowd, into microphones with logos for ABC, CNN, FOX, NBC, CBS. Behind the MAYOR stands POLICE COMMISSIONER (an older, balding black man with a bushy mustache in a suit that fit him two years ago, watching the crowd), POLICE CHIEF (an older white guy, salt and pepper hair, in full uniform and wearing the cap, a grim expression on his hawkish face as he listens attentively) and six FUNCTIONARIES (boring people of whatever ethic mix you like, in suits) looking nervous but vigilant.

DIALOGUE:
1 - MAYOR FLEET: ... WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS KIND OF INJUSTICE IN OUR CITY! WE WILL FIND THE REASONS FOR THIS SENSELESS CRIME!
2 - MAYOR FLEET: CHIEF MCGARRETT HAS EVERY AVAILABLE RESOURCE TASKED TO FINDING THIS DANGEROUS CRIMINAL! WE WILL NOT REST UNTIL ALL CITIZENS ARE SAFE AGAIN!

PAGE NINE: Three Panels

PANEL 1 - Basic walk-up apartment of the type that dominates many east coast cities. In foreground of shot, there's a round table with four THUGS playing dominoes and laughing. Again, I don't have very strong preferences for these guys, but none of 'em should be less than six feet tall or weigh less than 190 lbs. Maybe a hoodie on two of them. THE MAYOR's press conference from the last page is playing on the TV behind the THUG in the back of the panel (henceforth THUG CENTER), and he should be leaned back laughing. Off to the left of the panel, you can see into the kitchen where AUNTIE, an older black woman with an immaculate white afro, an apron and an almost June Cleaver-styled flowered dress and a big beaded necklace like X-Clan used to wear is washing dishes in a sink, with a window right in front of her, looking out of the building. From the angle of sunlight coming in the window, it's mid afternoon. A Glock 40 pistol is clearly visible on the table, to the side of the dominoes.

DIALOGUE:
1 - THUG ON PANEL LEFT: ... BABY GIRL WAS LIKE, "KA-PLOW!" ALL UP IN DUDE'S GRILL!
2 - THUG ON PANEL RIGHT: YEAH YEAH, SHE BROUGHT THE PAIN LIKE METH!

PANEL 2 - Same panel, but with THUG CENTER's head down, still laughing.

DIALOGUE:
3 - AUNTIE: SHAME Y'ALL AIN'T MAN ENOUGH TO DO THE JOB ...
4 - AUNTIE: ... GOT LITTLE SISTERS OUT THERE FIGHTIN' THE REVOLUTION!

PANEL 3 - Same panel, but with each THUG looking at the others like "Aw, man, she's right!"

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PAGE TEN: Two Panels

PANEL 1 - Shot of the front door of the building, with THUGS, now each holding a weapon, barreling down the steps with grim intent.

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PANEL 2 - Same exact shot, but this time as if it was on the screen of a monitor, slanted to the right and away from the reader.

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PAGE ELEVEN: Two Panels

PANEL 1 - Drawing back from last panel, now see that the shot is on a monitor in a bank of them, all sitting on a counter-like console with an array of mysterious buttons and lights and indicators and shit. There's a four inch raised border on the edge of the console. On the right side, you can just barely see the elbow of PRETTY GIRL's jacket, leaned on that raised console edge.

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PANEL 2 - Pulled back all the way, to see that this is the inside of the bridge on a space ship, with Earth floating serenely in a viewscreen behind and to the right of PRETTY GIRL, who sits in a chair angled slightly towards the reader, her right arm on the console and her left resting daintily on her hip, blowing a bubble of gum. The cabin has tons of wacky instruments and stuff, hanging from ceilings and stuck out of the floor that defy explanation. Another console can be seen in the distance behind her, and the big view screen is over that.

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PAGE TWELVE: Seven Panels

PANEL 1 - Long horizontal panel across top of page. Shows PRETTY GIRL, from chest up, straight on, her face illuminated by the display and console, her bubble popped. You can see top of ALIEN'S head as he approaches.

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PANEL 2 - Long horizontal panel, identical in size to previous one. Behind her now stands an ALIEN (again, your discretion how weird to get, but this is not a bipedal humanoid and should not even have a very recognizable shape), who's looking at the display as well.

DIALOGUE:
1 - ALIEN (in strange typeface): WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THINGS LIKE THAT?

PANEL 3 - One of three identical sized square panels which form a single horizontal row of images. Shows PRETTY GIRL's face turned to look at ALIEN (now off panel, his face as the perspective of the shot), grinning madly.

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PANEL 4 - Same shot, as transformation from PRETTY GIRL to another ALIEN is half-way complete. It's like a shapeshift, morphing kind of effect. Really kind of nasty. Her clothes and stuff are being absorbed into the new, shapeshifted body.

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PANEL 4 - Same shot, as PRETTY GIRL is now fully an ALIEN, still "grinning" disturbingly.

DIALOGUE:
NO DIALOGUE

PANEL 6 - Long horizontal panel, same shot as Panel 2, but now they're both ALIENS.

DIALOGUE:
2 - PRETTY GIRL/ALIEN (in strange typeface): I'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING FOR FUN, DON'T I?

PANEL 7 - Long horizontal panel across bottom of page. All black.

DIALOGUE:
TITLE: END

Watching (Hulu.com): Better Off Ted, "The Great Repression"