Commentary Track for the Buy Pile, April 23, 2010

Every week I do a column full of comic book reviews as I've done since March 2003 and currently published at Comic Book Resources. Then, after the reviews post, I try to come over to my blog and expand on the thoughts and ideas listed there. Sometimes it's profound, sometimes it's gibberish, but it's always about comics ... let's see what we get this week!

What? This week's reviews ...

Heavy metal: I want all of the accumulated Marvel handbooks online and searchable, or at least all on CD-ROM and searchable. I want this yesterday. Honestly, I want it on my phone so I can settle stupid arguments in the wild, like this week when some poozer who didn't even buy anything came in to debate why Superman could be naturally well defined in muscle tone despite the fact that there's little that could give him enough resistance to resemble a workout. Let's just move on, as I don't have much to say about the Iron Manual that I didn't already say. Okay ... seriously, 330MB for the brain of a Dreadnought? Really? Those things are supposed to have pulled off bipedal locomotion, and they're almost as dumb as a Nokia 6010. Wow.

Uh oh, it's magic ... I introduced a new verb into the comics lexicon this week -- "Supergod." Definition: when a single narrator sits down and yammers, attempting to illuminate story points while revealing elements of his own character through asides and dialogue. Example: "I liked it when Lloyd kept Supergodding his story in that Phonogram issue because the meta-meta textual visuals were blowing my wig back." It can be done well or badly. Oddly enough, in Supergod, it's not done so well. Ironic, perhaps. Anyway, Gravel does a bit of that with his "war stories" as did Shuri in "Doomwar" and it worked ... well, better than it does in Supergod because the characters have had some time to settle in to the readers' consciousness in previous issues. It's also funny that Elephantmen tried this, as with chances of a movie adaptation heating up I believe a celluloid treatment would do a Wanted here, making a film that works better than its comic source material.

Speaking of magic (sort of), apparently the words "Felicia Day" and "The Guild" mean something to somebody. Or so I was told as I read this week's issue. No idea what that's all about. Probably doesn't matter.

TV good, microwaves bad: Here's the thing about the Honorable Mention section: if this stuff were even 75% cheaper, I'd buy most of it. Really. I pick up every single issue of every single comic book I review, wanting to like it. The high failure rate there is all the more tragic, but whatever. So yeah, I'd totally even watch the likes of Azreal, Transformers, Guardians of the Galaxy, G.I. Joe, R.E.B.E.L.S. and Ultimate Comics Avengers on Hulu. But the cost's too high for anything more, in my mind, and if I stopped doing my column, I'd just buy fewer comics.

Maybe its the "classic" LSH fan in me, but the embers of emotion between the relentlessly jerky Braniac 5 (which I love about this generation's depictions of him, it fits so well) and the relentlessly clueless Supergirl (seriously, she's loathsome) kind of made me go "aww" a little. I honestly felt the same way about Peter Parker and Carol Danvers, who would be the next stupendously gorgeous girl to fall into his arms (even Betty Brant was okay by 616 standards). He can't complain so much when he can honestly say he bedded MJ, Gwen Stacy, et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum. But yeah, you can weave that kind of actual emotional tension into a book and still have punching. Just handle the balance better (Spidey's punching was parenthetical, Supergirl's punching was ineffectual) and it can go home with me.

Firestar, Jade ... I'd be okay if they took dirt naps. Long, eternal dirt naps, not this Piotr Rasputin madness. If they went over the cliff while riding in Prowl, that'd be fine as well. If they ran down the Forbush Man on the way, it'd be heavenly. Just saying.

It's okay, I'm drunk too: Apparently last week, I completely hosed Secret Six #20. My bad. Here's the review I should have written ...

Secret Six #20 (DC Comics)

Catman is going off the reservation. With his baby being hung off a balcony like he was called Blanket, he's at the mercy of criminals and millionaires ... or is he? In his rage, a whole new level of Catman is shown, stepping farther away from the Oliver Queen-beaten shlub of the past into a standard where he can stand next to your Bronze Tigers and Creotes comfortably. Once again a rift splits the team along surprising lines and it's hard to believe Gail Simone can write this brilliantly while still turning in those tedious Wonder Woman scripts. This is more of the mean-spirited good times that put this series on the map.

There ya go. Sorry for the delay.

Bed now.

Watching (CBS.com): How I Met Your Mother, "The Home Wrecker"