UPDATED: The Reign of the Mediocre (The Music Edition)

Apologies to and appreciation for the illustrious and praiseworthy Nikki Blak, who inspired this meme.

Urgh.

I work hard not to be a hater. For real!

It's not because I believe the hype against haters (from songs I love like Maino's "Hi Haters" or Chamillionaire's "Good Morning"). On the contrary, if anybody appreciates the beauty and possibility contained in hatred, it's me ... well and Neil Tennant.

However, I have to deal with the dichotomies of my everyday experience. I listen to a lot of music and read a lot of comic books, blessedly for professional purposes (one of my friends said that all of my hobbies end up making me money) and I'm overcome by one common thread: "exemplary" is not only rare, but not even a big deal to the mass market. I say this not in the mind of the Wired article but in terms of literal mediocrity becoming the new standard for excellence.

To wit, I'll offer up two examples from each genre, each in its own blog. In music, I offer this guy ...

Yes, he's wearing a tweed baseball cap.

If you were one to believe the hype, you'd have the perception that Aubrey Drake Graham was one of the most amazing musicians in the field. He sings! He raps! He acts! He's sold a mountain of records and became a national phenomenon, getting huge radio play and big-name collaborations before he even had a record deal! He's the whole package!

On paper, that all sounds fine and dandy. However, in reality, there are some chinks in this publicity-spawned armor. Drake's singing? He has a range so limited it can't even rove, comprised of maybe five whole notes, all of which sound like a kind of droning dirge.

Let's try his rapping on for size. The following is his verse from his huge collaboration single "Forever" ....

Last name ever,
first name greatest,
like a sprained ankle boy, ain't nothing to play with,
it started off local
but thanks to all the haters,
I know G4 pilots
on a first name basis,
and your city faded off to brown -- Nino
she insists she got more class -- we know!
swimming in the money come and find me -- Nemo
if I was at the club you know I balled -- chemo
drop the mixtape that sh** sounded like an album
who'd have thought a country wide tour would be the outcome?
labels want my name beside the X like Malcolm
everybody got a deal, I did it without one,
yeah n**** I'm about my business,
killing all these rappers you would swear I had a hit list,
everybody who doubted me is asking for forgiveness,
if you ain't been a part of it at least you got to witness,
b****es,

From the simplistic lyrical cadences to the predictable rhyme patterns, from faux hardness to uncreative and pointless uses of profanity, this is less than stellar work. The best line, "everybody got a deal, I did it without one" is about all I could recommend here, and that on sheer gumption. I've been reviewing and writing about urban and hip hop music since 1993. I've seen "amazing" and this ain't it. His pacing is elementary, his stylings are lackluster at best, his voice doesn't command respect.

Moreover, he got shown up on this very song by Eminem's verse ...

There they go, packin' stadiums as Shady spits his flow,
nuts they go, macadamia they go so balistic yo,
we can make them look like bozos he's wondering if he should spit this slow,
f*** no, go for broke, his cup just runneth over oh no
he ain't had a buzz like this since the last time he overdosed,
they've been waiting patiently for Pinnochio to poke his nose,
back into the game and they know,
rap will never be the same as before,
bashing in the brains of these hoes,
and establishing a name as he goes,
the passion and the flame is ignited,
you can't put it out once we light it,
this sh** is exactly what the f***
I'm talking about when we riot,
you're dealin with a few true villians
whose staying inside of the booth truth spillin'
and spit true feelings til our tooth fillings come flying up out of our mouths
now rewind it
payback muthaf****r for the way you got at me so how's it taste?
when I slap the taste out your mouth with the bass so loud that it shakes the place,
I'm Hannibal Lecter so just in case your thinking of saving face,
you ain't gonna have no face to save by the time I'm through with this place, so Drake ...

... which is absolute fire and obliterated everybody else (Kanye, who has some ability when he chooses to use it, and Lil Wayne, who's just this weird little gremlin thing that impregnates impossibly hot girls for reasons I can't fathom) on the track. I have heard this song start on the radio, flipped channels for what I thought was three verses, and come back just to hear this. Drake? Lyrics? Meh.

Don't believe me? Check the track for yourself, tell me where I'm wrong.

How about his acting? Well, thanks to the wonder of the internet, I don't have to sit through a whole episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation (even his show was derivative), when I can just post this wonderful snippet of video ...

He can walk! It's a miracle! Call the Emmy voters!

Not exactly Andre Braugher, is he? He's not even Andre the Giant.

Heck, I even had to copy/paste his name at the start of this blog because he's so boring to me I couldn't remember it long enough to switch tabs and type it. Why is that? I have a theory. Did you note that his bio says he's Canadian? That goes even further to prove my point, because how can somebody take a fictional character seriously? There's no such thing as Canadia! It's like Narnia or retirement.

Yet, if you'd believe the magazines and what not, this is the most phenomenal rapper out right now, pledging to keep music interesting until Lil Wayne gets out of prison. Hh. No thanks, I'm bumpin' that Malcolm and Martin right now.

I put this forth to you: the wholly mediocre musician, a completely synthesized media creation without enough merit to even stand shoulder to shoulder with names legitimately worthy of the word "great," held up to the masses as some outstanding example of the form. Unacceptable.

Next time? Blackest Night -- brace yourselves.

Playing (Music): "Window Seat" by Erykah Badu

UPDATED! As if to reinforce my position, XXL magazine has given Drake and rapless wonder Nicki Minaj the May 2010 cover. "Rap royalty?" These half-wits? Then no fewer than three other sites hyped it up? "I fear for the republic ..."